after slumber

after a very long vacation from blogging...here i am 3 months after, still no idea what direction i am going with this grand master plan i had while i was secretly computing my wages last January. hoho. typical me. always putting up the front that i am the type of person that plans every single step that i would take, but is truly just taking it one day at a time, taking in life as it passes me and usually doing nothing about anything. gah! to let down everyone is what i live for. right.

the review? not what i expected. not going anywhere.
the grand vacations? uh, went down the drain.
the people i went home for? nope, not seeing them as much as i would like to.
the problem? unsolved, and is not anywhere near getting solved.

hugging your two faced shit

i thought everything between us was okay.
well, yeah.
so i thought.

i can't believe how two faced people can be.
that however hard some try to bring unity onto the world, each and everyone of us is just wired to save our own skins, our own interests, regardless of who we hurt.
i am not saying that i am not guilty of such behavior...
it's just that~ i don't do so when it comes to family and friends.

and it hurts me so much now that a friend of mine that keeps up the pretense that everything is okay, goes behind my back and tell the other people on our circle of friends that they HAVE to hold her back because she might say some hurtful stuff to me - regarding an issue that was like six months ago!
i just can't figure out the crap we went through before, all these patching up texts and calls. that i initiated, and she ended. her saying that all was ok already.
there i was, hugging her, saying that i freaking missed her and then she saying fucked up things that was just meant to hint on stuff but never really talking to me, never airing out her issues.
hell, i guess that's why she can't move on.

as of the moment,
i just don't want anything to do with her.

if you could walk on clouds

i'm baaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!
hell, i don't think i'm prepared for the Philippines.
the heat! the sweltering, icky, sticky, polluted heat!!!

and oh my, the public transportation...sweet mother of *%^&$^$*!!!

but then again-atleast i could go anywhere i want anytime. sweating my fats off too. sauna on the streets. yey.

gah.
before i even got on the car to go to LAX, there was drama.
on LAX, there was drama.
entering the gate...there was even more drama.
come to think of it, i bought the ticket to escape the drama..
now i'm contemplating if that was the right reason to get on the plane.

considering that there was responsibilities waiting for me here too.
say goodbye to the bum life.

the flight from LAX to taiwan was so freakin' long. considering the seats.
damned hard seats.
and then having a major headache because i was not able to get proper sleep.

from taiwan to NAIA...it wasn't long enough. haha.
it was beautiful-because it was my first time flying with daylight...and the clouds were ... just amazing!

oh and by the way-EVA has crappy food.

so here i am.
enrolled.
jet lagged.
and well,
so out of it.

let's see how this plays out.
keep your fingers crossed.
wish me goodluck.

tied with strings

i am just a puppet to you.

i want!

drool*

ANAIS NIN

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Sebastiao Salgado

if this is what reality is, i'd rather make believe

4 days into the jobless state.
haha,
told you i got this bum life down phat.
as long as someone supports my ass.

which no one would really do...
haysss.

come to think of it,
it's been a year since i graduated.
damn, does time fly.

i'm aging.
and developing backwards.

this past week, a couple told me i looked 14. a lady at the gas station looked at me and said hi like she was cooing to a baby. and my sister's co worker called me 'sweetie'. like i'm 5 a year old.

somehow,even if i do get offended by people telling me i look like i'm 14 years old,

i can see why.

i dress like i'm 14.

i act like i'm a teenager.

and, my bum life is being supported by my parents.

HA~

it's not really by choice.

no, scratch that,

yes, it is by choice.

i escape into my own personal neverland. i choose not to grow up, because, it's a jumble of everything scary and unfamiliar.

and at the same time, all the grown ups do- i'm not really into.

i turn my brain off whenever i'm forced to act my age.

my own personal security blanket.

blaming everyone and everything.

and now, in a few weeks, i'll be running away from all responsibilites. getting on a plane to pretend that i'm doing the right thing.

somehow. i do wish that i end up doing what's right.

because i can't escape and run away forever.

even peter pan had to grow up.

and hook's ticking crocodile is after me too.

the reasons

i always was afraid to be with you.

even though i really want to...

but when it gets too close to us being in a relationship,

i pull back.



because, i know it would never work.

never. never.

because i know, that whatever i love in you.
is there because my imagination put it there...

you are real and made believe.

i want to see you, because i know that it will jolt some sense into me.

that you are not who you are in my mind.
that you would only play around,

and honestly-
you will never make the cut. :D

life is real

all you gotta do is take a step with your right foot after each step done with your left.