after slumber

after a very long vacation from blogging...here i am 3 months after, still no idea what direction i am going with this grand master plan i had while i was secretly computing my wages last January. hoho. typical me. always putting up the front that i am the type of person that plans every single step that i would take, but is truly just taking it one day at a time, taking in life as it passes me and usually doing nothing about anything. gah! to let down everyone is what i live for. right.

the review? not what i expected. not going anywhere.
the grand vacations? uh, went down the drain.
the people i went home for? nope, not seeing them as much as i would like to.
the problem? unsolved, and is not anywhere near getting solved.

hugging your two faced shit

i thought everything between us was okay.
well, yeah.
so i thought.

i can't believe how two faced people can be.
that however hard some try to bring unity onto the world, each and everyone of us is just wired to save our own skins, our own interests, regardless of who we hurt.
i am not saying that i am not guilty of such behavior...
it's just that~ i don't do so when it comes to family and friends.

and it hurts me so much now that a friend of mine that keeps up the pretense that everything is okay, goes behind my back and tell the other people on our circle of friends that they HAVE to hold her back because she might say some hurtful stuff to me - regarding an issue that was like six months ago!
i just can't figure out the crap we went through before, all these patching up texts and calls. that i initiated, and she ended. her saying that all was ok already.
there i was, hugging her, saying that i freaking missed her and then she saying fucked up things that was just meant to hint on stuff but never really talking to me, never airing out her issues.
hell, i guess that's why she can't move on.

as of the moment,
i just don't want anything to do with her.

if you could walk on clouds

i'm baaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!
hell, i don't think i'm prepared for the Philippines.
the heat! the sweltering, icky, sticky, polluted heat!!!

and oh my, the public transportation...sweet mother of *%^&$^$*!!!

but then again-atleast i could go anywhere i want anytime. sweating my fats off too. sauna on the streets. yey.

gah.
before i even got on the car to go to LAX, there was drama.
on LAX, there was drama.
entering the gate...there was even more drama.
come to think of it, i bought the ticket to escape the drama..
now i'm contemplating if that was the right reason to get on the plane.

considering that there was responsibilities waiting for me here too.
say goodbye to the bum life.

the flight from LAX to taiwan was so freakin' long. considering the seats.
damned hard seats.
and then having a major headache because i was not able to get proper sleep.

from taiwan to NAIA...it wasn't long enough. haha.
it was beautiful-because it was my first time flying with daylight...and the clouds were ... just amazing!

oh and by the way-EVA has crappy food.

so here i am.
enrolled.
jet lagged.
and well,
so out of it.

let's see how this plays out.
keep your fingers crossed.
wish me goodluck.

tied with strings

i am just a puppet to you.

i want!

drool*

ANAIS NIN

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Sebastiao Salgado

if this is what reality is, i'd rather make believe

4 days into the jobless state.
haha,
told you i got this bum life down phat.
as long as someone supports my ass.

which no one would really do...
haysss.

come to think of it,
it's been a year since i graduated.
damn, does time fly.

i'm aging.
and developing backwards.

this past week, a couple told me i looked 14. a lady at the gas station looked at me and said hi like she was cooing to a baby. and my sister's co worker called me 'sweetie'. like i'm 5 a year old.

somehow,even if i do get offended by people telling me i look like i'm 14 years old,

i can see why.

i dress like i'm 14.

i act like i'm a teenager.

and, my bum life is being supported by my parents.

HA~

it's not really by choice.

no, scratch that,

yes, it is by choice.

i escape into my own personal neverland. i choose not to grow up, because, it's a jumble of everything scary and unfamiliar.

and at the same time, all the grown ups do- i'm not really into.

i turn my brain off whenever i'm forced to act my age.

my own personal security blanket.

blaming everyone and everything.

and now, in a few weeks, i'll be running away from all responsibilites. getting on a plane to pretend that i'm doing the right thing.

somehow. i do wish that i end up doing what's right.

because i can't escape and run away forever.

even peter pan had to grow up.

and hook's ticking crocodile is after me too.

the reasons

i always was afraid to be with you.

even though i really want to...

but when it gets too close to us being in a relationship,

i pull back.



because, i know it would never work.

never. never.

because i know, that whatever i love in you.
is there because my imagination put it there...

you are real and made believe.

i want to see you, because i know that it will jolt some sense into me.

that you are not who you are in my mind.
that you would only play around,

and honestly-
you will never make the cut. :D

life is real

all you gotta do is take a step with your right foot after each step done with your left.

he'd wish it was someone else.

1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White Ts

an excerpt:

Somehow, there would always be this attachment to you. I would always feel the same things, whatever you do, whoever you are. You are the right kind of wrong for me, and maybe, that's part of your charm. There has been numerous times that I have lost you, but after a while, our lives seem to find each other, like it is intertwined in some weird way. I know that this love for you would never go away, no, not until we finally BE together, and that proximity would end all longing, and ruin the friendship, the memories. I love you, I would always will.

the way i see it # 76

i have been having starbucks coffee a whole lot ever since 2009 came
around.
maybe because my boss had a sudden addiction to it or it's just that the
weather is geting colder.
but when i went out to have some during friday the 13th; it was my first
time to notice the 'the way i see it' stuff on the back of the cup.

somehow #76 by Anne Morriss hit me as a valentine's day entry.

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating-in work, in play, in
love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the
fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.
To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

the liberating feeling of being able to really show yourself to someone that you know for sure would never reject you is the reason why everyone looks for "the one". in the process though, we often forget that first and foremost, God has already given us that- our family. in the course of wanting to be able to live in certain standards that our community upholds, driving us to want and acquire, and then want more, makes us forget and ignore the important things in life, just not be able to see our family as people that we could share everything with.

hope y'all had a happy heart's day.

hey, i'm actually an expert at something

i've got this bum life down phat.

all that's holding me back-is me.

soooo...
it's february 11. neat. i've been @ my sister's place sitting around, cleaning, organizing, watching lotsa movies, taking care of 3 dogs, and stuffing myself with microwavable food for (tantananuuunnn) 8 days. whoosh. didn't feel the days passing. ugh. the story of my life.

time passing without anything happening to me-except for stupid things of course.
yesterday, i had to go out and buy me some groceries, because i was running low on everything that i could pop unto the microwave. sooo, since i literally cannot drive, even if i have 2 cars sitting outside, and 2 car keys within my reach...i had to walk-to and from. and in the process of making my arms hurt and cutting off blood supply to my extremities-i left the house keys in the doorknob... OUTSIDE. the whole night. yikes. i had the management change the door knob. since stupid me did something stupid.

anyway, the point of the entry is.
my sister is a bitch.
a bitch that gets everything she wants and experiences a whole lot of fun in life, because-she can.
i saw her pictures from over the years. when she was my age, she was living on her own, and experiencing life.
me, i sit around cooped up in a house, because i can stand it. even though i can go out and talk to the neighbors. even if i can find a way to get to the mall. even if i can go out and walk to possible employment. i don't because,
i shy away from life.

soo, with these realizations...and the desperate need of money so that one can live in this world, i would wake up early tomorrow and walk to places where there could be job possibilities.

and i would also make the neighbors some valentine's gifts-bec. theyve been so nice to me... moving my sister's cars when i can't.

loneliness, is that what you call it?

i've never been alone in a house or dorm for a full 24 hrs before.
now it's been 3 days that i've been cooped up in my sisters studio while shes out frolicking in the sun. i hope that she gets relaxed and rested. to make this stay of mine worth while. im working my ass off here, without pay. ugh.


and the rain is NOT helping.

a repost of feelings

Ever had the feeling that you are disconnected from everything? It sucks. It doesn’t feel good.
I feel so disconnected from my bestfriends and friends. It feels awful. I see them and they seem so happy and content. I wonder if they feel disconnected from me. You try to reach out but you can’t reach them. I miss them but I wonder if the(y) miss me too.
I feel lonely. Someone hug me.

i saw this at LOLWUT?
she just reposted it and i don't really know who she had reposted it from.

but, whoever you are...

same here.
same here.

i always told you

f'n NEVER lie to me.
f'n NEVER get together with her.
f'n NEVER disregard me.
f'n BE someone I would want to have in my life.

you just showed me what your priorities are.

i told you to NEVER make me mad.
you know the consequences.

the sky was smiling

i tried to capture the night's smile.

they are chasing after me.

it's like one nightmare after another.

somehow, i know you're lonely

she texted;
not to ask how we are doing.
(because, remember, the world revolves around her)

she texted;
because she saw some hollywood celebrities around the place she lived at.

she texted;
to tell us how much she loves the community;
because it gives you celebrity sightings,
celebrities doing mundane things.

she texted.
i'm surprised she even remembered to text...US.

is it because she wants me to envy her?
if you we're a part of TMZ, and earned money from seeing celebrities-maybe.
is it because we're family?
hmmm....
or is it because, you're lonely?