12 February 2009
11 February 2009
all that's holding me back-is me.
soooo...
it's february 11. neat. i've been @ my sister's place sitting around, cleaning, organizing, watching lotsa movies, taking care of 3 dogs, and stuffing myself with microwavable food for (tantananuuunnn) 8 days. whoosh. didn't feel the days passing. ugh. the story of my life.
time passing without anything happening to me-except for stupid things of course.
yesterday, i had to go out and buy me some groceries, because i was running low on everything that i could pop unto the microwave. sooo, since i literally cannot drive, even if i have 2 cars sitting outside, and 2 car keys within my reach...i had to walk-to and from. and in the process of making my arms hurt and cutting off blood supply to my extremities-i left the house keys in the doorknob... OUTSIDE. the whole night. yikes. i had the management change the door knob. since stupid me did something stupid.
anyway, the point of the entry is.
my sister is a bitch.
a bitch that gets everything she wants and experiences a whole lot of fun in life, because-she can.
i saw her pictures from over the years. when she was my age, she was living on her own, and experiencing life.
me, i sit around cooped up in a house, because i can stand it. even though i can go out and talk to the neighbors. even if i can find a way to get to the mall. even if i can go out and walk to possible employment. i don't because,
i shy away from life.
soo, with these realizations...and the desperate need of money so that one can live in this world, i would wake up early tomorrow and walk to places where there could be job possibilities.
and i would also make the neighbors some valentine's gifts-bec. theyve been so nice to me... moving my sister's cars when i can't.
it's february 11. neat. i've been @ my sister's place sitting around, cleaning, organizing, watching lotsa movies, taking care of 3 dogs, and stuffing myself with microwavable food for (tantananuuunnn) 8 days. whoosh. didn't feel the days passing. ugh. the story of my life.
time passing without anything happening to me-except for stupid things of course.
yesterday, i had to go out and buy me some groceries, because i was running low on everything that i could pop unto the microwave. sooo, since i literally cannot drive, even if i have 2 cars sitting outside, and 2 car keys within my reach...i had to walk-to and from. and in the process of making my arms hurt and cutting off blood supply to my extremities-i left the house keys in the doorknob... OUTSIDE. the whole night. yikes. i had the management change the door knob. since stupid me did something stupid.
anyway, the point of the entry is.
my sister is a bitch.
a bitch that gets everything she wants and experiences a whole lot of fun in life, because-she can.
i saw her pictures from over the years. when she was my age, she was living on her own, and experiencing life.
me, i sit around cooped up in a house, because i can stand it. even though i can go out and talk to the neighbors. even if i can find a way to get to the mall. even if i can go out and walk to possible employment. i don't because,
i shy away from life.
soo, with these realizations...and the desperate need of money so that one can live in this world, i would wake up early tomorrow and walk to places where there could be job possibilities.
and i would also make the neighbors some valentine's gifts-bec. theyve been so nice to me... moving my sister's cars when i can't.
08 February 2009
loneliness, is that what you call it?
i've never been alone in a house or dorm for a full 24 hrs before.
now it's been 3 days that i've been cooped up in my sisters studio while shes out frolicking in the sun. i hope that she gets relaxed and rested. to make this stay of mine worth while. im working my ass off here, without pay. ugh.
and the rain is NOT helping.
now it's been 3 days that i've been cooped up in my sisters studio while shes out frolicking in the sun. i hope that she gets relaxed and rested. to make this stay of mine worth while. im working my ass off here, without pay. ugh.
and the rain is NOT helping.
04 February 2009
a repost of feelings
Ever had the feeling that you are disconnected from everything? It sucks. It doesn’t feel good.
I feel so disconnected from my bestfriends and friends. It feels awful. I see them and they seem so happy and content. I wonder if they feel disconnected from me. You try to reach out but you can’t reach them. I miss them but I wonder if the(y) miss me too.
I feel lonely. Someone hug me.
i saw this at LOLWUT?
she just reposted it and i don't really know who she had reposted it from.
but, whoever you are...
same here.
same here.
I feel so disconnected from my bestfriends and friends. It feels awful. I see them and they seem so happy and content. I wonder if they feel disconnected from me. You try to reach out but you can’t reach them. I miss them but I wonder if the(y) miss me too.
I feel lonely. Someone hug me.
i saw this at LOLWUT?
she just reposted it and i don't really know who she had reposted it from.
but, whoever you are...
same here.
same here.
03 February 2009
i always told you
f'n NEVER lie to me.
f'n NEVER get together with her.
f'n NEVER disregard me.
f'n BE someone I would want to have in my life.
you just showed me what your priorities are.
i told you to NEVER make me mad.
you know the consequences.
f'n NEVER get together with her.
f'n NEVER disregard me.
f'n BE someone I would want to have in my life.
you just showed me what your priorities are.
i told you to NEVER make me mad.
you know the consequences.
01 February 2009
29 January 2009
somehow, i know you're lonely
she texted;
not to ask how we are doing.
(because, remember, the world revolves around her)
she texted;
because she saw some hollywood celebrities around the place she lived at.
she texted;
to tell us how much she loves the community;
because it gives you celebrity sightings,
celebrities doing mundane things.
she texted.
i'm surprised she even remembered to text...US.
is it because she wants me to envy her?
if you we're a part of TMZ, and earned money from seeing celebrities-maybe.
is it because we're family?
hmmm....
or is it because, you're lonely?
not to ask how we are doing.
(because, remember, the world revolves around her)
she texted;
because she saw some hollywood celebrities around the place she lived at.
she texted;
to tell us how much she loves the community;
because it gives you celebrity sightings,
celebrities doing mundane things.
she texted.
i'm surprised she even remembered to text...US.
is it because she wants me to envy her?
if you we're a part of TMZ, and earned money from seeing celebrities-maybe.
is it because we're family?
hmmm....
or is it because, you're lonely?
27 January 2009
silent tirade
with my sister, it's always never a conversation. because if you answer back, or try to make her see reason, or even just trying to make her hear your voice...it's impossible. she'll just tune you out, bitch about what you said, and get her way or twist whatever you say to something that'll piss her off. so i just don't say anything. i just let the all mighty diva rant on and on.
it just drives me crazy though, because i DO have something to say. i WANT her to see that in this life, it's never just about her and how she's having a hard time. and that in a relationship, ANY kind of relationship, there has to be a compromise. that it's not just TAKING, it's a give and take process.
maybe, it's true that she's not obligated to help her family.
and it's true that i will never be able to fly out here without her financially helping with the air fare, would never have found this caregiver job without her feeding us for the first 3 weeks, without her landline...
but the problem is,
she just wants us with her in her teeny tiny studio apartment, so that we could clean it for her and so that we could take care of her dogs. because she's busy. with her work. she took in three dogs to take care of when she can't even take care of herself anymore.
she doesn't realize that we were in that accident because we were trying SO hard to find a job a week after arriving because she's so suffocating. she always says how she's the one feeding us and how hard she's working for us that we were living off of her savings..yada yada yada.
we've been only with her for a WEEK! my mom put out the money for the groceries! we go where she wants to go, she rubs it in our faces that she takes us out, we do what she wants to do, it's hard to breathe when you're treated like a puppet without a brain.
THEN the accident. she wanted to kick us out because to HER, we intentionally went out that day to wreck her car. yeah, right.
my mom and i has been caregivers for almost 6 months now. we don't get enough sleep. we are constantly badgered by the golden girls, if we do get our day off with my sister, she just wants us to clean her house and take of her dogs. we have NO privacy and NO time alone. we're cooped up in a house 24/7 for a few measly dollars. and she f'ng calls here at night just to tell ME that she doesn't understand why we even came here at ALL when we can't help HER. help HER clean HER house. help HER pay HER bills, help HER take care of HER dogs. it's not our life we should think about, we should think about HER life, HER problems. HER, SHE, because in her life it's just " ME, MYSELF and fucking I".
her responsibilities are too much for her.
hell, welcome to life. that's everybody's story!
she also bought a new car.
WHILE we were here, cooped up as live in caregivers.
she said it was MY car, so I pay the bills.
i don't KNOW how to drive.
she said we should find live out caregiving jobs.
oh yeah, so we could be caregivers in the morning and be your slave at night. right.
gag me.
i'm tired.
it just drives me crazy though, because i DO have something to say. i WANT her to see that in this life, it's never just about her and how she's having a hard time. and that in a relationship, ANY kind of relationship, there has to be a compromise. that it's not just TAKING, it's a give and take process.
maybe, it's true that she's not obligated to help her family.
and it's true that i will never be able to fly out here without her financially helping with the air fare, would never have found this caregiver job without her feeding us for the first 3 weeks, without her landline...
but the problem is,
she just wants us with her in her teeny tiny studio apartment, so that we could clean it for her and so that we could take care of her dogs. because she's busy. with her work. she took in three dogs to take care of when she can't even take care of herself anymore.
she doesn't realize that we were in that accident because we were trying SO hard to find a job a week after arriving because she's so suffocating. she always says how she's the one feeding us and how hard she's working for us that we were living off of her savings..yada yada yada.
we've been only with her for a WEEK! my mom put out the money for the groceries! we go where she wants to go, she rubs it in our faces that she takes us out, we do what she wants to do, it's hard to breathe when you're treated like a puppet without a brain.
THEN the accident. she wanted to kick us out because to HER, we intentionally went out that day to wreck her car. yeah, right.
my mom and i has been caregivers for almost 6 months now. we don't get enough sleep. we are constantly badgered by the golden girls, if we do get our day off with my sister, she just wants us to clean her house and take of her dogs. we have NO privacy and NO time alone. we're cooped up in a house 24/7 for a few measly dollars. and she f'ng calls here at night just to tell ME that she doesn't understand why we even came here at ALL when we can't help HER. help HER clean HER house. help HER pay HER bills, help HER take care of HER dogs. it's not our life we should think about, we should think about HER life, HER problems. HER, SHE, because in her life it's just " ME, MYSELF and fucking I".
her responsibilities are too much for her.
hell, welcome to life. that's everybody's story!
she also bought a new car.
WHILE we were here, cooped up as live in caregivers.
she said it was MY car, so I pay the bills.
i don't KNOW how to drive.
she said we should find live out caregiving jobs.
oh yeah, so we could be caregivers in the morning and be your slave at night. right.
gag me.
i'm tired.
24 January 2009
Hipolito Insights
Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon.
La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura
jamais lieu.
Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, an endless rehearsal of a show that
will never play.~Hipolito of Amelie
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