irresponsible you.

you were always the one i looked up to.
you are not perfect. but how you lived, was the life i always coveted.

but, living with you revealed aspects of your personality that's just downright awful.
being with you stifles our freedom.
being near you makes us feel small.

your words slashes like a sharp knife.
your actions puzzles us.

what's with you?

passion

contemplating about what the olsen twins said on their interview with oprah...
they had an early start; what they do now is what they are passionate for.
yadah yadah yadah.
i want to be the third olsen. triplets?:P

it's just that..in all the available industries a person can get in to nowadays...
i am in healthcare.
and i graduated and all...
pursuing the license and all.

but is this what i'm passionate about?

sunshine

i want to go and live in florida.
seriously.

gimme one

“A hug is the perfect gift. One size fits all, and no one minds if you exchange it.”–Evern Ball

i like hugs.
i like 'em better than kisses too.

and i haven't had a real good one for a looooooooooong time.

i miss his hugs.

money money

all the problems of the world has one root.
money.

and all the emotions that it provokes.

shout out

" help me! help me! please, please, help me!"



that's how Mrs. L asks for help, said in a loud, resonating voice.

and if you don't come immediately, she follows that line with this;



"help me now! now! now!"



and when you're there in fron tof her. all she needs is some toilet paper, or a new adult diaper, or to have her pants/dress pulled down over her ankles.

somehow,

i envy her.

because most of the time,

when i holler

"help me! help me! now now now!!!"

nobody comes.

on the happiest place on earth

ever since i got this caregiver job, i have felt sorry for myself numerous of times, cried numerous times and wanted to give -up, since day one.

every weekend, we tried amusing ourselves, to no success. you get out of the care home, go to a place where you take care of dogs, and get only half a day of frolicking with someone who comandeers your life like it was her own. talk about wanting to gag.

we went to disneyland this sunday. it was chock full of people and long ass lines, but atleast i had the thrill of going on long, fast roller coasters with some not showing you where the hell you're headed to, and one that showed you how fast and you can hit the ground, go back up, then go down again.

just like life, huh?

anyway,
the woman that we crashed our car into earlier last month has an attorney and has called us. telling us that they will drop the charges and shit if we pay them a certain amount of money. they had their car totaled and to my opinion the amount they want from us is double of what the darned ford was actually worth. but of course, i know nothing and the person who knows everything did not get on her toes and did everything fast and wisely. so, now, everyone is crying their eyes out. we don;t have money, and i've been on my job for 3 weeks now, and i'm still way too deep in debt.

this is all so stupidly hard for me.

every single one of us just wants to get as far away from each other.

oh, if only disneyland was really the place where dreams come true.

heck no

in the strangest turn of events, what i am today is a very far cry from the life that i have imagined for myself out here in the beautiful state of California. during the flight going out here, i was a bundle of mixed emotions. sadness was dominant, but there was a budding hope and a streak of excitement. i get to redo my life, and re-invent me. you don't get a lot of that in your lifetime. when we got to the studio/apartment, i put aside my sadness, put up a brave facade, all smiles, i said to myself that i came out here to experience the real life, be an adult and all that crappy stuff...get a job and be miserable. so for the first week, i went out and applied for all the outlets i could get to, with my mom driving the car, because i still don't know how to drive and frankly, i don't really care for it.

but then, the ACCIDENT happened.
and everything went downhill from there.

for the first time, i saw my mom breakdown. i was afraid that she'll go crazy. yes, i did have psych subjects in college. but why the hell did they NOT present cases like these? i was so scared but had to be brave. i was so weak, but had to be strong. i wanted to cry and holler " Why Life?? Why???!!! " but had to keep quiet and comfort someone else. i wanted to run, but i had no where to go and no means of getting out.

we just had to get out of that studio/apartment.
we have no money.
we have no car.
we have no other relatives.
and now, we are in debt. beacause we did not own the car we wrecked, and we hit another car too. so we have to pay for what the insurance of the owner of the car has payed for that other car.(senseless, sense-full?)

so we found a job that requires no traveling, but you work 15-24 hours, and you are underpaid(in 8 hour job terms).

mom and i are now live-in caregivers.
unglamorous, unglorified, unrecognized and the pay is under-the-table.

life, as it is for this 23 year old.
sheesh.
get me outta here.