heartbreak

the thing about this job;
it's not the physical aspects of what you do that get you tired,
it's how it hits your heart right in between the eyes.
emotionally,
being a caregiver is straining.

in the beginning, you will have this profound feeling of being sorry for those you care for.
they are old, lonely, bored and their family seem to have little time for them, that's why they are at a board and care for the aged.

but then, time passes, and you get to know these people more,
but they do not know or remember you.
you have conversations, you have arguments,
but the next day,
you are a stranger to them,
yet again.

then your loneliness kicks in.
homesick for those you love, you get tired more.
you become more sluggish and sedentary.

irritation for those you are caring for, is what you would feel at this point in time.
their habits, their problems, their being difficult, their being demanding..
it gets to you. and you just want to argue with them,
although even if you won the argument,
you would turn out to be the loser,
because you argued with a person who has dementia.
or alzheimer's.
and they won't care who won.
they won't even remember what you argued about.

all your days boils down to a few hundred dollars.
all these emotions felt boils down to the fact that you are bored, lonely, and down in life.
just like those you are caring for.

heck no

in the strangest turn of events, what i am today is a very far cry from the life that i have imagined for myself out here in the beautiful state of California. during the flight going out here, i was a bundle of mixed emotions. sadness was dominant, but there was a budding hope and a streak of excitement. i get to redo my life, and re-invent me. you don't get a lot of that in your lifetime. when we got to the studio/apartment, i put aside my sadness, put up a brave facade, all smiles, i said to myself that i came out here to experience the real life, be an adult and all that crappy stuff...get a job and be miserable. so for the first week, i went out and applied for all the outlets i could get to, with my mom driving the car, because i still don't know how to drive and frankly, i don't really care for it.

but then, the ACCIDENT happened.
and everything went downhill from there.

for the first time, i saw my mom breakdown. i was afraid that she'll go crazy. yes, i did have psych subjects in college. but why the hell did they NOT present cases like these? i was so scared but had to be brave. i was so weak, but had to be strong. i wanted to cry and holler " Why Life?? Why???!!! " but had to keep quiet and comfort someone else. i wanted to run, but i had no where to go and no means of getting out.

we just had to get out of that studio/apartment.
we have no money.
we have no car.
we have no other relatives.
and now, we are in debt. beacause we did not own the car we wrecked, and we hit another car too. so we have to pay for what the insurance of the owner of the car has payed for that other car.(senseless, sense-full?)

so we found a job that requires no traveling, but you work 15-24 hours, and you are underpaid(in 8 hour job terms).

mom and i are now live-in caregivers.
unglamorous, unglorified, unrecognized and the pay is under-the-table.

life, as it is for this 23 year old.
sheesh.
get me outta here.