if you had a choice, would you choose?

it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.

*_*

well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.

i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.

i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.

i live for..what?

There are 6.7 billion people in the world.
1,463,632,361 people using the internet.
33 million people are with HIV.
2.2 billion children.
We are also said to be in the Golden Age, because the number of old people is soaring.

There are dreams being fulfilled.
There are dreams being dreamt.
There are dreams being unreached.

How many people in the world may be giving up right now?
How many are lost?
Just like I am?

Back in 2000, i blamed myself for causing a move, getting my family split up and never really complete again. I blamed myself for being a burden. Just recently, i learned, that I was not the reason, I was a factor, but not the main reason. The main reason for that life changing move was, my parents gave up trying to make it work, my mother gave up being at the poor side of the spectrum of life. So we moved back to the Philippines, because $>Peso and whatever my father get from his job was enough for a middle class living.

Now, we're at a point that we are split up again, and my father typed out something that crushed me early today~ see what sacrifice we are going through(being split up for the holidays) just because of you.~
He blamed me for their mistakes. He blamed me for his stupid decision making. He blamed me! ME?!

Yeah, because i ASKED to be here. Because, i REQUIRED that my mother be here. Because I got my sister's car into an ACCIDENT. Because, I am the reason that my sister is so selfish that she had not helped us get settled here. Because I'm so dumb that I can't pass my licensure exam to earn money. Because I did it. Yeah, Blame it all on ME.

Blame me for your leech relatives.
Blame me for your disease.
Blame me, blame me, blame me!

My goal used to be to give back to my parents even just a fraction of what they give me, to let them live comfortably.
I'll still give you that.
but the first chance that I can be very far away from everyone, i'll go.
i'll just send you a postcard.

my parents used to be my reason to get up every day,
to somehow get through it and take a step towards my goal.

now, i don't know why i still get up.
why i still have to fight for no one.

factors

there are decisions to be made.
and i am in a crossroads.
when i go right...
when i go left...
what would happen?
the outcome?

it'a hard when there are others to think about.
when it is not just yourself that your decisions will affect.

and when others are being hard to carry.
dragging you down when you struugle to keep your head up in life's rough waters.

this sucks.
i can't breathe.

the america syndrome

Number One:

i saw this on a mannequin outside a store..wanted to buy it, but knew that it'll be way off my budget scope.

i saw lauren conrad wearing this on the Ok magazine & found out it was designed by BCBG, part of their fall 2008 fashion show...

now i realize, what a steal it would have been if i bought it!

i want this dress!!!

Number Two:

Oprah's new favorite gadget. And my new most coveted one. This comes BEFORE the HP touch screen monitor and BEFORE the Ipod Touch. Amazon's Kindle. THE amazing kindle. With a memory card, you can store up to 4,000 books into this gadget. Wow, like, wow. I want this!!!

Number Three:

My own pair of Uggs. For the love of casual comfort.

Number Four:

A Macbook Air. Ahhhhh...

OR

HP Touch Smart. Just because i want to touch.

But then again...i don't have money. and whatever i'm. earning now is so small, and so NOT enough when i indulge myself in shopping. I have to save. There's the debts aka f'd up car. There's the needs aka down payment for an apartment and monthly money for a much needed car. Not to mention if ever we do get to move in to our own place, the monthly bills. And of course, the family's airfare to get here. UGH!

How i wish i did not need a license or that i was smart enough to pass without the need of months of studying. or that i wasn't lazy and did my proper share of reviewing.

heck no

in the strangest turn of events, what i am today is a very far cry from the life that i have imagined for myself out here in the beautiful state of California. during the flight going out here, i was a bundle of mixed emotions. sadness was dominant, but there was a budding hope and a streak of excitement. i get to redo my life, and re-invent me. you don't get a lot of that in your lifetime. when we got to the studio/apartment, i put aside my sadness, put up a brave facade, all smiles, i said to myself that i came out here to experience the real life, be an adult and all that crappy stuff...get a job and be miserable. so for the first week, i went out and applied for all the outlets i could get to, with my mom driving the car, because i still don't know how to drive and frankly, i don't really care for it.

but then, the ACCIDENT happened.
and everything went downhill from there.

for the first time, i saw my mom breakdown. i was afraid that she'll go crazy. yes, i did have psych subjects in college. but why the hell did they NOT present cases like these? i was so scared but had to be brave. i was so weak, but had to be strong. i wanted to cry and holler " Why Life?? Why???!!! " but had to keep quiet and comfort someone else. i wanted to run, but i had no where to go and no means of getting out.

we just had to get out of that studio/apartment.
we have no money.
we have no car.
we have no other relatives.
and now, we are in debt. beacause we did not own the car we wrecked, and we hit another car too. so we have to pay for what the insurance of the owner of the car has payed for that other car.(senseless, sense-full?)

so we found a job that requires no traveling, but you work 15-24 hours, and you are underpaid(in 8 hour job terms).

mom and i are now live-in caregivers.
unglamorous, unglorified, unrecognized and the pay is under-the-table.

life, as it is for this 23 year old.
sheesh.
get me outta here.

underwater

i'm leaving tomorrow night.
by this time tomorrow, we'll surely be at the airport, sitting around, waiting to board the plane.

ugh.

i feel awful.
i feel nervous.
i'm excited.
and i have a headache that makes me want to puke my innards out.

it reminds me of that feeling i had back in 2nd year college,
and i was about to take my finals exam in swimming class.
we were expected to cross the olympic size pool in any swimming style we learned throughout the semester. you dive into the pool and do the butterfly/back/breast/freestyle stroke; it doesn't matter how long it takes you, you just have to get across.

i attended every class, never skipped one.
i can kick like hell in water, but my uppers has no strength.
and out of all that was taught, i can only do 2.
the back stroke and freestyle...and i manage to drown myself too most of the time because i never really learned how to breathe.

drunk with dirty pool water, and many many many stops later,
i was there, on the other side of the pool, done with the finals.
i made it.

back then,
i knew what my purpose was.
i knew the things i needed to do to get there.
the only thing i didn't know was, if i can really do it. carry it out.

right now.
i know nothing.
all i have is my resolve of taking each day one at a time.

and it makes me sick.

here goes one of the lost boys,
with the task to swim across life into adulthood.

wish me luck.

it's what i call nostalgia

i used to write poetry,
back when i was a disturbed teener. (now i blog. XD)
okay, so not really 'disturbed', more of what all teenagers go through~misunderstood.
i wrote emo-ish freestyle poetry and posted them on darkpoetry.
i kept some of my work, but they seem to be lost now, ever since our computer crashed last year.

now, i've been cleaning my room, throwing out all the junk i horded through the years so that i could fit all that represents my life into a box not exceeding 50lbs and 30lbs for my carry-on.

the relevance of the earlier sentence is~
i found some of my poetry. and i would like to share one that does not entirely show my 'dark' or 'misunderstood' years.^^

i love this because my lit. teacher in 9th grade discovered this tucked away at the back of my journal for his class.

this were my lines (it pretty much shows what a pessimist i am.):
The beauty of a rose.
The finality of its death.
Just a brief instant,
When its beauty took your breath.

and this was his answer:
Past the brittle petal,
Beyond its withered husk,
There lies the beauty of a rose.
The moment never truly passes,
The memories never really fade.

i was going through a difficult time when he gave my journal back to me.
and somehow, the poem helped me through.
i related the rose to life.
and i never had the chance to really say 'thank you.'
if i ever get back to JFK Highschool, i'd definitely look him up..