underwater

i'm leaving tomorrow night.
by this time tomorrow, we'll surely be at the airport, sitting around, waiting to board the plane.

ugh.

i feel awful.
i feel nervous.
i'm excited.
and i have a headache that makes me want to puke my innards out.

it reminds me of that feeling i had back in 2nd year college,
and i was about to take my finals exam in swimming class.
we were expected to cross the olympic size pool in any swimming style we learned throughout the semester. you dive into the pool and do the butterfly/back/breast/freestyle stroke; it doesn't matter how long it takes you, you just have to get across.

i attended every class, never skipped one.
i can kick like hell in water, but my uppers has no strength.
and out of all that was taught, i can only do 2.
the back stroke and freestyle...and i manage to drown myself too most of the time because i never really learned how to breathe.

drunk with dirty pool water, and many many many stops later,
i was there, on the other side of the pool, done with the finals.
i made it.

back then,
i knew what my purpose was.
i knew the things i needed to do to get there.
the only thing i didn't know was, if i can really do it. carry it out.

right now.
i know nothing.
all i have is my resolve of taking each day one at a time.

and it makes me sick.

here goes one of the lost boys,
with the task to swim across life into adulthood.

wish me luck.