thanks

it's my first Thanksgiving.
and it's that time of the year where all families are together. It's their 'reunion' time.
it's what Christmas is for us back home.
not that it makes any diiference if i was here or there.
we don't go to reunions, because we avoid the relatives.

we have a big meal, wake up at idnight and pig out.
i think i can do that here.

though my family won't be complete.
and it would be much colder here.

i'm ranting. :P

but there are things that i am thankful for,
and i'm sure you do too,
even with these hard times upon us..
i'm sure you're thankful for many things.

I'm thankful for:

-waking up today.
-having food to eat.
-having a few hours without the Golden Girls
-having the chance to make something out of my life.
-having my parents.
-having my siblings.
-having the boyfriend.
-my friends.
-the internet.:P
-being able to get warm, feel warm , in this soon to be cold weather.
- sooooooooo many more.


what are you thankful for?

factors

there are decisions to be made.
and i am in a crossroads.
when i go right...
when i go left...
what would happen?
the outcome?

it'a hard when there are others to think about.
when it is not just yourself that your decisions will affect.

and when others are being hard to carry.
dragging you down when you struugle to keep your head up in life's rough waters.

this sucks.
i can't breathe.

i must

i must learn to:

shut up.
read and remember.
be patient.
be punctual.
be productive.
be forgiving.
be resourceful.
be prayerful.
be thankful.
be loving.


like, i can do this.
seriously?
nah.

3 months

not even 3 months yet.
but it feels like years has passed.

almost 3 months has passed.
and not one step forward was made.

not even 3 months yet.
and i'm ready to give up.

almost 3 months has passed.
and i'm quite unsure if the fight has even begun.

not even 3 months yet.
almost 3 months has passed.

it's a matter of perspective.

my damned head hurts.

heartbreak

the thing about this job;
it's not the physical aspects of what you do that get you tired,
it's how it hits your heart right in between the eyes.
emotionally,
being a caregiver is straining.

in the beginning, you will have this profound feeling of being sorry for those you care for.
they are old, lonely, bored and their family seem to have little time for them, that's why they are at a board and care for the aged.

but then, time passes, and you get to know these people more,
but they do not know or remember you.
you have conversations, you have arguments,
but the next day,
you are a stranger to them,
yet again.

then your loneliness kicks in.
homesick for those you love, you get tired more.
you become more sluggish and sedentary.

irritation for those you are caring for, is what you would feel at this point in time.
their habits, their problems, their being difficult, their being demanding..
it gets to you. and you just want to argue with them,
although even if you won the argument,
you would turn out to be the loser,
because you argued with a person who has dementia.
or alzheimer's.
and they won't care who won.
they won't even remember what you argued about.

all your days boils down to a few hundred dollars.
all these emotions felt boils down to the fact that you are bored, lonely, and down in life.
just like those you are caring for.

positive/negative

everyone says how different we are.
it's like you belong to one end of the spectrum and i to the other.
you're the extreme, i am the bleh.

maybe they are right.
because, sometimes i think that too.

but the respect that others give, or the recognition of what confidence you have...
i want.

but how can others give what i cannot give to myself?

she asked

mrs. m: what are you doing; wasting time?

me: uh, duh.

this day

change has come to America.

Barack Obama IS President.

the america syndrome

Number One:

i saw this on a mannequin outside a store..wanted to buy it, but knew that it'll be way off my budget scope.

i saw lauren conrad wearing this on the Ok magazine & found out it was designed by BCBG, part of their fall 2008 fashion show...

now i realize, what a steal it would have been if i bought it!

i want this dress!!!

Number Two:

Oprah's new favorite gadget. And my new most coveted one. This comes BEFORE the HP touch screen monitor and BEFORE the Ipod Touch. Amazon's Kindle. THE amazing kindle. With a memory card, you can store up to 4,000 books into this gadget. Wow, like, wow. I want this!!!

Number Three:

My own pair of Uggs. For the love of casual comfort.

Number Four:

A Macbook Air. Ahhhhh...

OR

HP Touch Smart. Just because i want to touch.

But then again...i don't have money. and whatever i'm. earning now is so small, and so NOT enough when i indulge myself in shopping. I have to save. There's the debts aka f'd up car. There's the needs aka down payment for an apartment and monthly money for a much needed car. Not to mention if ever we do get to move in to our own place, the monthly bills. And of course, the family's airfare to get here. UGH!

How i wish i did not need a license or that i was smart enough to pass without the need of months of studying. or that i wasn't lazy and did my proper share of reviewing.

this song

Somewhere over the rainbowWay up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

in one's life,
we always, always, have to have a purpose,
a passion,
direction.
so we dream, and we take that dream to heart and mind, and pursue.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

with that dream in heart and mind,
we sail on to the unknown.
we brave the seas of uncertainty,
facing everything that comes our way.
we seek for the land where dreams come true,
and in our search, we get to be in places where failures seem to crop out everywhere,
and our dreams, seem to be,
out of reach.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

and with our dreams in one hand,
we have our wishes in the other,
we hope,
and we pray,
that all these trials and failures just melt away.
be gone.
and just be a nasty memory.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

But then, after all our hoping and praying...
Problems come one on top of the other.
The problems just never ends.
And you question yourself.
And you evaluate if the dreams you are pursuing,
is worth all these sacrifice.

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Then sadness and desperation gets a hold of you.
Making you forget what dreams you held.
Making you just live day to day.
Surviving...
the endless days.