this year's end

what happened this year?

2008 was a year of endings.
earlier this year, my internship ended,
it left me feeling sad because there were more studying to be done.
the 'last stretch' studying before graduation.
and then suddenly it was done.
my batchmates and i were marching at PICC.
i didn't really feel the ceremony.
it breezed past me.
too fast for me to feel and have it ingrained in my mind.
now all i remember of the whole affair was that my feet hurt from my impossible heels.
college ended. sans 'the bang' that i have waited and hoped for that past 5 years.

in the middle of the year,
it was the review madness.
i was all geared up to be in 'the game',
i studied and prepared myself,
only to be strapped in and be put down by my OWN school,
implying all the while that i was not deserving of a chance to take my local boards exam.
because i was not "smart enough".
and they needed the smart ones to pass the shit, so they could promote their school to be breeding super minds.
it was a bitter ending.

then,
i thought i was to start something.
i was scared and excited to be flying out to a different place,
scared because i was leaving my security blanket behind.
i was to try to be an adult.
well,
it didn't go that way.
i'm still in the purgatory in between my teens and adulthood.
no choices, decisions made for you.
problems heaped on you, but no way out.
realizations made,
because NOW, teh ugly truth is out.
plans shattered,
new plans are a big risk.
somehow,
i hope this phase ends with the year.

all of a sudden,
2008 brought one more ending that was the saddest of all endings.
with the last few days of the year,
it ended my family.
with the stupid ways of my father,
the paranoid reactions of my mother,
a passing care of my sister,
how my brothers ignores everything,
and me knowing,
crying,
but can never do anything to make it all okay.

it's a sad year.
goodbye 2008.
i hope you had never come in to my life.