temper.
i have very bad temper.
i have very short patience.
some have said that i should go into anger management...they said it as a joke, but then again, jokes are half meant.
a lot of things can get me riled up.
but what really gets me going, are words.
i have a thing with words.
double meaning phrases.
innuendoes.
hidden meanings.
i often read between the lines ~ sometimes, even when there's nothing there to read.
somehow, i got used to the idea that people don't often say what they mean.
i am easily insulted.
insult me or my family ~ and you're toast. if it's a shouting match you want, or you just want to trade insults... just get me going, i rarely back down.
but, recent experiences has pointed something out to me.
i loose. even if i win whatever argument comes my way.
i loose.
because i'm just stressing myself.
i hold grudges.
and i loose friends.
i loose.
22 January 2009
19 January 2009
if you had a choice, would you choose?
it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.
*_*
well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.
i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.
i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.
*_*
well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.
i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.
i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.
14 January 2009
i'm drying my hands...OHHH YEAH!
Remember when you graduate from elementary or secondary school? They always ask you what you want to be when you grow up so that they can place it under your picture in the yearbook, almost everyone in my batch when I graduated wanted to be a doctor. Yeah, right.
Haha, I did too. And thinking back, what I really wanted to be was, Sailormoon. Lolz.
So, now, doing the type of work I'm doing with a Bachelor's degree...it kind of pulls the self esteem down, especially when people crack jokes about your work and the people you're taking care of are ungrateful ingrates.
But really, I don't think I ever cared for physical therapy. not while i was scraping through passing my academics and well, pulling off my internship with pure day to day patience...knowing that somehow, it'll be all over.
Now, all I have is a diploma. Packed away in my mothers' suitcase, in case I get around to really studying for the board exams and paying for the credential review.
But recently, I've been thinking about my career options, looking at how the economy is all f'd up right now, and peering through my future, i see that there are options and there are goals. It's just that i need the means to start, or shall I say, the proper boost to start down life.
I have the reasons, and sure hella have all the 'inspiration'...to push me down the road to physical therapy unkown. It's just that, THOSE would not be for me.
I'll be glad to have my start-up in life, and also the means to really help my family already.
But the ultimate question is; would it be something i will be happy doing for the rest of my life?
It pains me not being able to be what my family needs now, but then somewhere down the road, I just know, it'll pain me more not being able to do something for myself too.
And in the process, I'll be bitter and cynical, and would be blaming everyone around me for not being happy.
So, hopefully.. I'll get to save up enough for me to be able to study again or set up my business.
Here's some that I envision myself doing in my mid thirties:
~Being a pre-school teacher( I still want to take up SPED).
~Owning property in the Philippines that I can rent out.
~Owning that Coffee Shop/bookstore/Filipino Store my mom, sister and I talked about.
~Having a small boutique in the Philippines where I can sell shoes, clothes and other thingamajigs I can come up with.
~And my ultimate want: Being a wife and a mother.
I have a lot of wants, and i guess in life, that's the wrong reason to be driven...but then, isn't this why we're all breathing, and getting up every morning?
Haha, I did too. And thinking back, what I really wanted to be was, Sailormoon. Lolz.
So, now, doing the type of work I'm doing with a Bachelor's degree...it kind of pulls the self esteem down, especially when people crack jokes about your work and the people you're taking care of are ungrateful ingrates.
But really, I don't think I ever cared for physical therapy. not while i was scraping through passing my academics and well, pulling off my internship with pure day to day patience...knowing that somehow, it'll be all over.
Now, all I have is a diploma. Packed away in my mothers' suitcase, in case I get around to really studying for the board exams and paying for the credential review.
But recently, I've been thinking about my career options, looking at how the economy is all f'd up right now, and peering through my future, i see that there are options and there are goals. It's just that i need the means to start, or shall I say, the proper boost to start down life.
I have the reasons, and sure hella have all the 'inspiration'...to push me down the road to physical therapy unkown. It's just that, THOSE would not be for me.
I'll be glad to have my start-up in life, and also the means to really help my family already.
But the ultimate question is; would it be something i will be happy doing for the rest of my life?
It pains me not being able to be what my family needs now, but then somewhere down the road, I just know, it'll pain me more not being able to do something for myself too.
And in the process, I'll be bitter and cynical, and would be blaming everyone around me for not being happy.
So, hopefully.. I'll get to save up enough for me to be able to study again or set up my business.
Here's some that I envision myself doing in my mid thirties:
~Being a pre-school teacher( I still want to take up SPED).
~Owning property in the Philippines that I can rent out.
~Owning that Coffee Shop/bookstore/Filipino Store my mom, sister and I talked about.
~Having a small boutique in the Philippines where I can sell shoes, clothes and other thingamajigs I can come up with.
~And my ultimate want: Being a wife and a mother.
I have a lot of wants, and i guess in life, that's the wrong reason to be driven...but then, isn't this why we're all breathing, and getting up every morning?
12 January 2009
bright lights
i was at the dressing room, trying on 3 items.
i was NOT supposed to buy anything, i AM in the process of saving money.
but, being the shop-a-holic i am, all is at a lost, because the items look GOOD on me.
somehow, an idea came to me,
1 of the items did not have the alarm tags, clothes usually have.
i can just TAKE it.
it was on 1 of my other shopping bags, all i had to do was walk out, pay for the other items, and it was MINE!
but then, the shirt got to me.
and i never took the damned thing.
it said in big neon green color:
MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT
i was NOT supposed to buy anything, i AM in the process of saving money.
but, being the shop-a-holic i am, all is at a lost, because the items look GOOD on me.
somehow, an idea came to me,
1 of the items did not have the alarm tags, clothes usually have.
i can just TAKE it.
it was on 1 of my other shopping bags, all i had to do was walk out, pay for the other items, and it was MINE!
but then, the shirt got to me.
and i never took the damned thing.
it said in big neon green color:
MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT
10 January 2009
vintage clothing sites
Vintage, the new rage.
Clothing
Billie Goat Vintage: http://stores.ebay.com/Billie-Goat-Vintage
Lullie Vinatage Clothing: http://www.lullieclothing.com/ ( a fave for me )
Mama Stone Vintage: http://www.mamastonevintage.com/
Accesories
Doyle and Doyle: http://www.doyledoyle.com/
Hi+Lo Modern: http://www.hiandlomodern.com/
Clothing
Billie Goat Vintage: http://stores.ebay.com/Billie-Goat-Vintage
Lullie Vinatage Clothing: http://www.lullieclothing.com/ ( a fave for me )
Mama Stone Vintage: http://www.mamastonevintage.com/
Accesories
Doyle and Doyle: http://www.doyledoyle.com/
Hi+Lo Modern: http://www.hiandlomodern.com/
07 January 2009
sony vaio=freedom
we just bought a sony vaio laptop yesterday.
in exchange for no day-offs this month.
err.
i think i'm going to get MORE crazy.
in exchange for no day-offs this month.
err.
i think i'm going to get MORE crazy.
03 January 2009
Mrs. Darcy
I have just finished watching Pride and Prejudice(2005), and another film has hit the romantic in me. There are numerous dreams and occupations for me to aspire to be in the future, but even though i am not the typical 'betty home maker', what i really long to have is a love story so profound and well, romantic, to have my heart flutter whenever i will look back on it. but of course, that would never happen. not now, in our times, not ever. especially not to me. i guess this is the reason why there are fiction writers. from the great love of Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy to the fantasy love of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen. these love stories is what we want, that's why they are so popular, but these love fairytale would never be ours.
02 January 2009
35/36
studied:
a month of trying to read the whole handbook.
one night of practicing with: 3 failed exams
1 perfect exam
the result: 35/36.
6 mistakes allowed.
congratulate me :)
a month of trying to read the whole handbook.
one night of practicing with: 3 failed exams
1 perfect exam
the result: 35/36.
6 mistakes allowed.
congratulate me :)
01 January 2009
leanimal:my wedding dress
Leanne Marshall from Project Runway has given the world this wedding dress, and I want it!
same day, different year
well, i guess, that's up to me huh?
So i decided that there would be no new year's resolutions to break this year. But there would be GOALS. Goals to achieve. Because 2009 has been decided to be great for me.
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