she texted;
not to ask how we are doing.
(because, remember, the world revolves around her)
she texted;
because she saw some hollywood celebrities around the place she lived at.
she texted;
to tell us how much she loves the community;
because it gives you celebrity sightings,
celebrities doing mundane things.
she texted.
i'm surprised she even remembered to text...US.
is it because she wants me to envy her?
if you we're a part of TMZ, and earned money from seeing celebrities-maybe.
is it because we're family?
hmmm....
or is it because, you're lonely?
29 January 2009
27 January 2009
silent tirade
with my sister, it's always never a conversation. because if you answer back, or try to make her see reason, or even just trying to make her hear your voice...it's impossible. she'll just tune you out, bitch about what you said, and get her way or twist whatever you say to something that'll piss her off. so i just don't say anything. i just let the all mighty diva rant on and on.
it just drives me crazy though, because i DO have something to say. i WANT her to see that in this life, it's never just about her and how she's having a hard time. and that in a relationship, ANY kind of relationship, there has to be a compromise. that it's not just TAKING, it's a give and take process.
maybe, it's true that she's not obligated to help her family.
and it's true that i will never be able to fly out here without her financially helping with the air fare, would never have found this caregiver job without her feeding us for the first 3 weeks, without her landline...
but the problem is,
she just wants us with her in her teeny tiny studio apartment, so that we could clean it for her and so that we could take care of her dogs. because she's busy. with her work. she took in three dogs to take care of when she can't even take care of herself anymore.
she doesn't realize that we were in that accident because we were trying SO hard to find a job a week after arriving because she's so suffocating. she always says how she's the one feeding us and how hard she's working for us that we were living off of her savings..yada yada yada.
we've been only with her for a WEEK! my mom put out the money for the groceries! we go where she wants to go, she rubs it in our faces that she takes us out, we do what she wants to do, it's hard to breathe when you're treated like a puppet without a brain.
THEN the accident. she wanted to kick us out because to HER, we intentionally went out that day to wreck her car. yeah, right.
my mom and i has been caregivers for almost 6 months now. we don't get enough sleep. we are constantly badgered by the golden girls, if we do get our day off with my sister, she just wants us to clean her house and take of her dogs. we have NO privacy and NO time alone. we're cooped up in a house 24/7 for a few measly dollars. and she f'ng calls here at night just to tell ME that she doesn't understand why we even came here at ALL when we can't help HER. help HER clean HER house. help HER pay HER bills, help HER take care of HER dogs. it's not our life we should think about, we should think about HER life, HER problems. HER, SHE, because in her life it's just " ME, MYSELF and fucking I".
her responsibilities are too much for her.
hell, welcome to life. that's everybody's story!
she also bought a new car.
WHILE we were here, cooped up as live in caregivers.
she said it was MY car, so I pay the bills.
i don't KNOW how to drive.
she said we should find live out caregiving jobs.
oh yeah, so we could be caregivers in the morning and be your slave at night. right.
gag me.
i'm tired.
it just drives me crazy though, because i DO have something to say. i WANT her to see that in this life, it's never just about her and how she's having a hard time. and that in a relationship, ANY kind of relationship, there has to be a compromise. that it's not just TAKING, it's a give and take process.
maybe, it's true that she's not obligated to help her family.
and it's true that i will never be able to fly out here without her financially helping with the air fare, would never have found this caregiver job without her feeding us for the first 3 weeks, without her landline...
but the problem is,
she just wants us with her in her teeny tiny studio apartment, so that we could clean it for her and so that we could take care of her dogs. because she's busy. with her work. she took in three dogs to take care of when she can't even take care of herself anymore.
she doesn't realize that we were in that accident because we were trying SO hard to find a job a week after arriving because she's so suffocating. she always says how she's the one feeding us and how hard she's working for us that we were living off of her savings..yada yada yada.
we've been only with her for a WEEK! my mom put out the money for the groceries! we go where she wants to go, she rubs it in our faces that she takes us out, we do what she wants to do, it's hard to breathe when you're treated like a puppet without a brain.
THEN the accident. she wanted to kick us out because to HER, we intentionally went out that day to wreck her car. yeah, right.
my mom and i has been caregivers for almost 6 months now. we don't get enough sleep. we are constantly badgered by the golden girls, if we do get our day off with my sister, she just wants us to clean her house and take of her dogs. we have NO privacy and NO time alone. we're cooped up in a house 24/7 for a few measly dollars. and she f'ng calls here at night just to tell ME that she doesn't understand why we even came here at ALL when we can't help HER. help HER clean HER house. help HER pay HER bills, help HER take care of HER dogs. it's not our life we should think about, we should think about HER life, HER problems. HER, SHE, because in her life it's just " ME, MYSELF and fucking I".
her responsibilities are too much for her.
hell, welcome to life. that's everybody's story!
she also bought a new car.
WHILE we were here, cooped up as live in caregivers.
she said it was MY car, so I pay the bills.
i don't KNOW how to drive.
she said we should find live out caregiving jobs.
oh yeah, so we could be caregivers in the morning and be your slave at night. right.
gag me.
i'm tired.
24 January 2009
Hipolito Insights
Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon.
La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura
jamais lieu.
Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, an endless rehearsal of a show that
will never play.~Hipolito of Amelie
22 January 2009
sticks and stones may break my bones...
temper.
i have very bad temper.
i have very short patience.
some have said that i should go into anger management...they said it as a joke, but then again, jokes are half meant.
a lot of things can get me riled up.
but what really gets me going, are words.
i have a thing with words.
double meaning phrases.
innuendoes.
hidden meanings.
i often read between the lines ~ sometimes, even when there's nothing there to read.
somehow, i got used to the idea that people don't often say what they mean.
i am easily insulted.
insult me or my family ~ and you're toast. if it's a shouting match you want, or you just want to trade insults... just get me going, i rarely back down.
but, recent experiences has pointed something out to me.
i loose. even if i win whatever argument comes my way.
i loose.
because i'm just stressing myself.
i hold grudges.
and i loose friends.
i loose.
i have very bad temper.
i have very short patience.
some have said that i should go into anger management...they said it as a joke, but then again, jokes are half meant.
a lot of things can get me riled up.
but what really gets me going, are words.
i have a thing with words.
double meaning phrases.
innuendoes.
hidden meanings.
i often read between the lines ~ sometimes, even when there's nothing there to read.
somehow, i got used to the idea that people don't often say what they mean.
i am easily insulted.
insult me or my family ~ and you're toast. if it's a shouting match you want, or you just want to trade insults... just get me going, i rarely back down.
but, recent experiences has pointed something out to me.
i loose. even if i win whatever argument comes my way.
i loose.
because i'm just stressing myself.
i hold grudges.
and i loose friends.
i loose.
19 January 2009
if you had a choice, would you choose?
it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.
*_*
well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.
i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.
i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.
*_*
well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.
i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.
i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.
14 January 2009
i'm drying my hands...OHHH YEAH!
Remember when you graduate from elementary or secondary school? They always ask you what you want to be when you grow up so that they can place it under your picture in the yearbook, almost everyone in my batch when I graduated wanted to be a doctor. Yeah, right.
Haha, I did too. And thinking back, what I really wanted to be was, Sailormoon. Lolz.
So, now, doing the type of work I'm doing with a Bachelor's degree...it kind of pulls the self esteem down, especially when people crack jokes about your work and the people you're taking care of are ungrateful ingrates.
But really, I don't think I ever cared for physical therapy. not while i was scraping through passing my academics and well, pulling off my internship with pure day to day patience...knowing that somehow, it'll be all over.
Now, all I have is a diploma. Packed away in my mothers' suitcase, in case I get around to really studying for the board exams and paying for the credential review.
But recently, I've been thinking about my career options, looking at how the economy is all f'd up right now, and peering through my future, i see that there are options and there are goals. It's just that i need the means to start, or shall I say, the proper boost to start down life.
I have the reasons, and sure hella have all the 'inspiration'...to push me down the road to physical therapy unkown. It's just that, THOSE would not be for me.
I'll be glad to have my start-up in life, and also the means to really help my family already.
But the ultimate question is; would it be something i will be happy doing for the rest of my life?
It pains me not being able to be what my family needs now, but then somewhere down the road, I just know, it'll pain me more not being able to do something for myself too.
And in the process, I'll be bitter and cynical, and would be blaming everyone around me for not being happy.
So, hopefully.. I'll get to save up enough for me to be able to study again or set up my business.
Here's some that I envision myself doing in my mid thirties:
~Being a pre-school teacher( I still want to take up SPED).
~Owning property in the Philippines that I can rent out.
~Owning that Coffee Shop/bookstore/Filipino Store my mom, sister and I talked about.
~Having a small boutique in the Philippines where I can sell shoes, clothes and other thingamajigs I can come up with.
~And my ultimate want: Being a wife and a mother.
I have a lot of wants, and i guess in life, that's the wrong reason to be driven...but then, isn't this why we're all breathing, and getting up every morning?
Haha, I did too. And thinking back, what I really wanted to be was, Sailormoon. Lolz.
So, now, doing the type of work I'm doing with a Bachelor's degree...it kind of pulls the self esteem down, especially when people crack jokes about your work and the people you're taking care of are ungrateful ingrates.
But really, I don't think I ever cared for physical therapy. not while i was scraping through passing my academics and well, pulling off my internship with pure day to day patience...knowing that somehow, it'll be all over.
Now, all I have is a diploma. Packed away in my mothers' suitcase, in case I get around to really studying for the board exams and paying for the credential review.
But recently, I've been thinking about my career options, looking at how the economy is all f'd up right now, and peering through my future, i see that there are options and there are goals. It's just that i need the means to start, or shall I say, the proper boost to start down life.
I have the reasons, and sure hella have all the 'inspiration'...to push me down the road to physical therapy unkown. It's just that, THOSE would not be for me.
I'll be glad to have my start-up in life, and also the means to really help my family already.
But the ultimate question is; would it be something i will be happy doing for the rest of my life?
It pains me not being able to be what my family needs now, but then somewhere down the road, I just know, it'll pain me more not being able to do something for myself too.
And in the process, I'll be bitter and cynical, and would be blaming everyone around me for not being happy.
So, hopefully.. I'll get to save up enough for me to be able to study again or set up my business.
Here's some that I envision myself doing in my mid thirties:
~Being a pre-school teacher( I still want to take up SPED).
~Owning property in the Philippines that I can rent out.
~Owning that Coffee Shop/bookstore/Filipino Store my mom, sister and I talked about.
~Having a small boutique in the Philippines where I can sell shoes, clothes and other thingamajigs I can come up with.
~And my ultimate want: Being a wife and a mother.
I have a lot of wants, and i guess in life, that's the wrong reason to be driven...but then, isn't this why we're all breathing, and getting up every morning?
12 January 2009
bright lights
i was at the dressing room, trying on 3 items.
i was NOT supposed to buy anything, i AM in the process of saving money.
but, being the shop-a-holic i am, all is at a lost, because the items look GOOD on me.
somehow, an idea came to me,
1 of the items did not have the alarm tags, clothes usually have.
i can just TAKE it.
it was on 1 of my other shopping bags, all i had to do was walk out, pay for the other items, and it was MINE!
but then, the shirt got to me.
and i never took the damned thing.
it said in big neon green color:
MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT
i was NOT supposed to buy anything, i AM in the process of saving money.
but, being the shop-a-holic i am, all is at a lost, because the items look GOOD on me.
somehow, an idea came to me,
1 of the items did not have the alarm tags, clothes usually have.
i can just TAKE it.
it was on 1 of my other shopping bags, all i had to do was walk out, pay for the other items, and it was MINE!
but then, the shirt got to me.
and i never took the damned thing.
it said in big neon green color:
MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT
10 January 2009
vintage clothing sites
Vintage, the new rage.
Clothing
Billie Goat Vintage: http://stores.ebay.com/Billie-Goat-Vintage
Lullie Vinatage Clothing: http://www.lullieclothing.com/ ( a fave for me )
Mama Stone Vintage: http://www.mamastonevintage.com/
Accesories
Doyle and Doyle: http://www.doyledoyle.com/
Hi+Lo Modern: http://www.hiandlomodern.com/
Clothing
Billie Goat Vintage: http://stores.ebay.com/Billie-Goat-Vintage
Lullie Vinatage Clothing: http://www.lullieclothing.com/ ( a fave for me )
Mama Stone Vintage: http://www.mamastonevintage.com/
Accesories
Doyle and Doyle: http://www.doyledoyle.com/
Hi+Lo Modern: http://www.hiandlomodern.com/
07 January 2009
sony vaio=freedom
we just bought a sony vaio laptop yesterday.
in exchange for no day-offs this month.
err.
i think i'm going to get MORE crazy.
in exchange for no day-offs this month.
err.
i think i'm going to get MORE crazy.
03 January 2009
Mrs. Darcy
I have just finished watching Pride and Prejudice(2005), and another film has hit the romantic in me. There are numerous dreams and occupations for me to aspire to be in the future, but even though i am not the typical 'betty home maker', what i really long to have is a love story so profound and well, romantic, to have my heart flutter whenever i will look back on it. but of course, that would never happen. not now, in our times, not ever. especially not to me. i guess this is the reason why there are fiction writers. from the great love of Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy to the fantasy love of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen. these love stories is what we want, that's why they are so popular, but these love fairytale would never be ours.
02 January 2009
35/36
studied:
a month of trying to read the whole handbook.
one night of practicing with: 3 failed exams
1 perfect exam
the result: 35/36.
6 mistakes allowed.
congratulate me :)
a month of trying to read the whole handbook.
one night of practicing with: 3 failed exams
1 perfect exam
the result: 35/36.
6 mistakes allowed.
congratulate me :)
01 January 2009
leanimal:my wedding dress
Leanne Marshall from Project Runway has given the world this wedding dress, and I want it!
same day, different year
well, i guess, that's up to me huh?
So i decided that there would be no new year's resolutions to break this year. But there would be GOALS. Goals to achieve. Because 2009 has been decided to be great for me.
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