dawn of a new age.

tough. very tough.
that you have to be when you are one of the new age kids.

new age kids defined as; kids with a dysfunctional family and/or very quarrelsome parents(that you have no effing idea why they got married in the first place).

really.
my sister complains that she's lonely.
yes, that's tough too, because you literally feel like you have NO family. and people around her are like in a rat race that never stops. so friends or no friends, nobody takes care of her.

but like the coin that Scarface (of the Batman Series) always flips...
life has two sides.
the squeaky clean and the scarred.

i have the family that takes care of you physically.
but scars you emotionally.

what cheesy crap.

what i hate most is...
i seem to cannot do anything to make it better
and i also obviously help make it worse.

reading what i just typed...
it looks like a fifteen year old was going through a tough time at home.
but, wait,
i turned twenty three today.

and this story is like a broken record that keeps on playing day after day after day...

it has been 8 years since i first cared.
it has been 8 years since i first understood.

how many more years will it take before all these disappears?

*sigh*

the parental unit never did choose the right time or place or manner to quarrel.
they just do.
whenever, wherever, however.
human emotions at war.
blah blah blah~ *crash!*

at the dawn of my 23rd year.
they made me realize...
how much i do NOT want to get married.

at the dawn of my 23rd year.
i feel like a 15 year old.

1825

we're celebrating 1825 days together.

whoa.
backtrack for a minute.

1825 days?!

i never really thought it would last this long.
i was like;
"3 months. tops."

wrong.

the recipe for a relationship to last this long...
"get a good guy."

harhar.
there.
i complemented you and insulted myself.^^

happy anniversary.

whew

totally relieved.

although i have a bad cold...
that i don't know where i got.

God is good!

and there i go again.

somehow...stupidity rules the roost in thy brain.

how many times have i been warned?
how many times did i tell myself to stop all this nonsense?
how many times have i talked to myself that this is not the right time?

err...

but still i go on.

this is the second time fear grips my heart.
and i am going to do something about it.

wish me luck.

(vague post)

booked.

Er..
My flight is booked on September 6th!!!!

Whew.
Really i feel relieved because i could ACTUALLY go.
But then, it now stresses me out unreasonably because there's so many things to do!

Things to do before i leave:
1. Pack all that i can bring.
2. Pack everything i cannot bring, store and label them.
3. Plan a birthday suplayss (surprise) for the boyfriend. *heck wait, that's tomorrow!*
4. Actually read the darned reviewer i bought because i cannot bring xeroxed materials.
5. See all my 'friends', * i wish i had money!* and hope that they have money to see me too. *it's so hard to be newly graduates.*
6. Spend a great anniversary this coming week!\m/
7. If i have the resources, have a birthday/despidida get together...
8. See my lola and her newly adopted grandchild.
9. Shop for last minute stuff.*eg. pasalubong
10. Do something about my hair. *hehehe.

It's sad though, because, really, i don't want to tell anyone that i'm leaving.
*so great that you guys don't know me.^^
But then, no one seems to have the cash or the time to get together with me.
Sadness!

try and try until you..

drop dead because of tiredness.

ugh.

i'm trying to reach out in means that i have.
*hugs the internet and computer*

i am unemployed.
hence no money for load.

i am unemployed.
hence no money for going out.

i am unemployed.
hence the reaching out to friends thru the internet.

and i wish they would too.

effort here!
effort!

on discoveries.

blogs are such treasure troves.
you can peek into a persons' character,
their deepest thoughts flagged before the whole world.

and i never knew that one sarcastic friend of mine has deep thingamajigs hidden under her tough shell...

i saw hints of it in our 7 years of friendship.
but i guess they never deem me as a person you can share deep dark thoughts or happy thoughts with...

hmmm..

blogs are so lucky.

hot dem

you are so effin FAKE.

that's all.
*bow*

heartache, heartbreak

i never was popular. i never wanted to. i'm just not that type.
always, i belonged to a small circle of friends.
back in elementary school, there was just three of us.
then in middle school, there was just three of us.
in highschool, we were five..but really there's supposed to be seven of us.
and in college, we were five too.

i'm counting here.
rambling.

i'm counting because i don't know what happened to these 'close friends'.
somehow, not even one is left.

i don't know where i went wrong.
relationships changed i guess.
but somehow, they all leave me feeling that i was a lousy friend.

i do take time to contact them. but they're just, i don't know unreachable?

and in the course of the friendship, sometimes, you see their bad sides.
and it turns me off.

i just, up and leave.
it takes me years to forgive.
and i never forget.

i remember, one friend, took a boyfriend away.
then another quarreled with me because of a petty misunderstanding about money.
i just went away. and i still long to yell "eff you betch!". hehehe.

anyway.

hmm, did they give up?
or did i?

Katrina Holigores

I just love how she writes.
Two of her previous Inquirer columns are saved in an old diary(read: DIARY. i just discovered multiply in 2006 and blogging in 2008).

Here are some excerpts from The Unreality of Today's Reality and Playing by the Rules.

Keeping it real has never been such an Extra Challenge. We are riveted by man-woman dynamics via Blind-Dates. gripped by Survivor Tactics during an Amazing Race, and have given an Ambush Makeover to the English language by breathing life to the term Queer-eye.
...
Think about it, if the life you and your friends lead is truly fabulous, why would you have time to pay attention to those whose lives aren't?

---

In the Game of life, we often hear ourselves cry "foul!". We feel cheated, discredited, unjustly passed from point A to B.
...
Life does play fair. We just have to follow some of its rules and remember how good it is to be a lifetime member.

---

See?
And often times, whenever her articles caught my eye, at that exact moment I was in need of those advices.
I look forward to having an archive of her work available.
In the meantime, here is her personal blog: Katrina Holigores

More power to you! :)

new eye glasses

ugh.
i never really knew what my vision is, the doctor never explained the printout their machine gives out. but earlier, the optometrist said something like my right eye is 20/100 and the left 20/40.
when the glasses were done and i tried it out(walking. turning, looking up and down and around), it's like a headache came running to me and hit me hard.
i'm still getting used to it, now when i put it on, it makes me dizzy for a few minutes, and the same thing happens when i take it off.

i look so dorky and my glasses are so cute!
~rambles.^^

it's all about MOMS

mom and her sushi face

first and foremost..
i know i'm not the only one with a mom. and i'm not the only one who would refer to my mom as my superhero/idol.
it's just that, i have only realized recently how much my mom has sacrificed for our family.
i do know that raising us and keeping us in school is a hard and costly affair and has always been thankful to my parents for scraping us through it all...
but the realization of how hard everything really is for my mom has only come recently because it is just now that she deemed me adult enough to know the underlying problems. those 'little things' that can really gnaw away at any human beings' resolve to live.
and i just commend her for pulling through it.
and still pushing through it.

yes, i know the entry is kinda vague, bear with me.^^;

the family is going through hard times,
and i decided to not hold any grudges to my parents about whatever is lacking in my life.

mmm..Ambango!(mmm..Smells Good!)

I would just like to share a new rave.
St. Ive's Body Wash scents makes me smell good!XD
The ones that i just loveLovELOVE are the cucumber melon and the lavender.

bitter kung bitter

ugh.
i was robbed of a dream vacation.
i've always wanted to go to boracay!
and now, when i'm supposed to have that vacation for a graduation gift~ the dream is just not possible anymore.
argh.
everything going higher these past few months took it away!
now, i have to hunt for a job immediately.
after how many years of grueling college studies!

okay.
end of rant.

english ba o filipino?

yes, i am female.
i do have the necessary parts to be considered as one.
oh, but somehow androgens got in the way and decided to have a special spot in my body.
always seen. it's a bulk!
ehem*no dirty minds please.
it's a bulk! in my neck. haha!

oh but anyway.
i have never been your girly-girl type. or your typical tomboy type.
i just don't 'do' make-up, my make-up kit consists of loose powder, blush and lip balm.
TA-DA!
WTH, i'm pretty. *ehem. enough. and plus, it makes me look like i'm 'bayot' when i have too much on.
and i don't shave my legs.
and i rarely put lotion on. heck, it's hot enough in this country. but, sometimes, i do put lotion on, kahiya naman na may white scratch lines ako parati.^^
i also know next to, uh, nothing on nail care.
hmm, i would like to dress-up every once in awhile..sometimes, when i go out, i do like dressing up but before i get out of the house i change my mind and run to my room and change into my usual jeans and shirt and slippers style. *eek.

i mentioned that i was not "tomboy/butch like" because,
well, first of all, i don't look like one. and, i am not the sporty type either.
*weh.

anyway..
i don't know.

i wish for change when i'm outta here.
because, i must admit,
sometimes,
okay, MOST of the times,
guys are not the ones that turn my head when i'm walking around a mall.
girls do. *oopps! no dirty minds again please.
because i analyze what made my head turn in the first place.
was it how she dressed?
or walked?
or was it her make-up?

i'm trying to find girls to hmm, imitate, in some ways.
superficial ways, yes.
but i don't 'dress-up' or have the guts to be too different because i don't like the staring.
it's hard when your at the other end you know?
and i hateHAteHATE catcalls (or is it dogcalls?hehe) form tambays and drivers and such. *yick. haha, because, its rare that cute guys do, just them tambays.

so when i get outta here, out of the 'mapanuring mata' i wish that i'd have the guts to take care of myself better.and appreciate myself, and experiment in how i can enhance BOTH my inner and superficial self.^^
ha!

imposible!

Disclaimer: I do not own the videos, i have nothing against the products endorsed or its endorser.

ang ayaw ko lang naman ay yung parang may sariling buhay yung buhok ng endorser. kamusta ka naman, pag gumamit ka ng produkto nila, magkakaroon ng sariling 'gracefulness' ang buhok mo! magaling.^^
example:

it's what i call nostalgia

i used to write poetry,
back when i was a disturbed teener. (now i blog. XD)
okay, so not really 'disturbed', more of what all teenagers go through~misunderstood.
i wrote emo-ish freestyle poetry and posted them on darkpoetry.
i kept some of my work, but they seem to be lost now, ever since our computer crashed last year.

now, i've been cleaning my room, throwing out all the junk i horded through the years so that i could fit all that represents my life into a box not exceeding 50lbs and 30lbs for my carry-on.

the relevance of the earlier sentence is~
i found some of my poetry. and i would like to share one that does not entirely show my 'dark' or 'misunderstood' years.^^

i love this because my lit. teacher in 9th grade discovered this tucked away at the back of my journal for his class.

this were my lines (it pretty much shows what a pessimist i am.):
The beauty of a rose.
The finality of its death.
Just a brief instant,
When its beauty took your breath.

and this was his answer:
Past the brittle petal,
Beyond its withered husk,
There lies the beauty of a rose.
The moment never truly passes,
The memories never really fade.

i was going through a difficult time when he gave my journal back to me.
and somehow, the poem helped me through.
i related the rose to life.
and i never had the chance to really say 'thank you.'
if i ever get back to JFK Highschool, i'd definitely look him up..

Panimula

oo, magaling lang ako sa simula.

napakadali naman na kasi ang gumawa ng bagong e-mail, ng blog, at kung ano pang anik-anik sa internet. napakadami naman na kasing naglitawan. una yung mga networking sites: friendster, multiply, xanga, myspace, etc. etc. na ang naging purpose na lang ng mga tao ay ang magpadami ng contacts na hindi papansinin.

nahagip din ako ng craze na yan. sinalihan ko ata lahat. hanggang sa hindi ko na matandaan ang mga user name at password na pinaglalalagay ko. marahil, hanggang ngayon palutang-lutang sa web ang mga accounts ko na yun.

mga tatlong taon din ako nawalan ng balita sa internet, multiply ko na lang at friendster ginagalaw ko. kunwari, busy ako sa pagaaral.

ngayong kasali na ako sa milyon-milyon na unemployed sa ating bansa. internet na ulit ang pinagkakaabalahan ko.

kung kelan ba naman ako nakapagtapos saka nagtaasan lahat ng bagay sa mundo. mataas na pamasahe, mataas bilihin, mataas na baha dito sa may amin tuwing naulan, mataas na interest sa banko ng nakurakot na pera ng presidente natin…etc. etc.

mas lalo tuloy ko hindi makalabas ng bahay. ni singkong duling wala ako. nakakahiya naman humingi ng humingi sa mga magulang ko dahil 2 na kami ng kapatid kong ewan ang pinagtapos na wla pa ring trabaho.

speaking of my brother dear, sya lang ang makapal ang mukha na humihingi ng pera hanggang ngayon sa aming mga magulang. tama ba naman na halos isang taon na sya tambay? nasanay na ata at nagkakalyo na ang pes nya. ay, i-minus mo pla yung 3 buwan nya sa call center. hindi kasi sya nakatagal. hirap daw byahe. 7 months. pitong buwan sya tambay?! sus. sana makahanap na ako ng trabaho.

asan na ba ako? naka naman, nadala nanaman ako ng pagrereklamo ko.

kaya andito ako, dahil nakita ko kumikita ng pera dito,

datung pare! kaya ko naman gawin yung mga ginagawa ng iba dyan na kumikita kaka-blog.

yun nga lang, medyo behind na ako. andami nang bagong mga ekek ang lumabas.

ba, may twitter, may plurk, may mybloglog…at may blogawards na!

big time na nga ang mga events. mala oscars.

tapos parang alien language ang nakikita ko sa adsense, blogvertise…

marahil dahil busy yung utak ko kaka-process ng information mula sa blogniinday.(lafftrip) na blot-out tuloy yung information sa mga pagkukuhanan ko ng kumikitang kabuhayan. uulitin ko nalang ulit.