after slumber

after a very long vacation from blogging...here i am 3 months after, still no idea what direction i am going with this grand master plan i had while i was secretly computing my wages last January. hoho. typical me. always putting up the front that i am the type of person that plans every single step that i would take, but is truly just taking it one day at a time, taking in life as it passes me and usually doing nothing about anything. gah! to let down everyone is what i live for. right.

the review? not what i expected. not going anywhere.
the grand vacations? uh, went down the drain.
the people i went home for? nope, not seeing them as much as i would like to.
the problem? unsolved, and is not anywhere near getting solved.

hugging your two faced shit

i thought everything between us was okay.
well, yeah.
so i thought.

i can't believe how two faced people can be.
that however hard some try to bring unity onto the world, each and everyone of us is just wired to save our own skins, our own interests, regardless of who we hurt.
i am not saying that i am not guilty of such behavior...
it's just that~ i don't do so when it comes to family and friends.

and it hurts me so much now that a friend of mine that keeps up the pretense that everything is okay, goes behind my back and tell the other people on our circle of friends that they HAVE to hold her back because she might say some hurtful stuff to me - regarding an issue that was like six months ago!
i just can't figure out the crap we went through before, all these patching up texts and calls. that i initiated, and she ended. her saying that all was ok already.
there i was, hugging her, saying that i freaking missed her and then she saying fucked up things that was just meant to hint on stuff but never really talking to me, never airing out her issues.
hell, i guess that's why she can't move on.

as of the moment,
i just don't want anything to do with her.

if you could walk on clouds

i'm baaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!
hell, i don't think i'm prepared for the Philippines.
the heat! the sweltering, icky, sticky, polluted heat!!!

and oh my, the public transportation...sweet mother of *%^&$^$*!!!

but then again-atleast i could go anywhere i want anytime. sweating my fats off too. sauna on the streets. yey.

gah.
before i even got on the car to go to LAX, there was drama.
on LAX, there was drama.
entering the gate...there was even more drama.
come to think of it, i bought the ticket to escape the drama..
now i'm contemplating if that was the right reason to get on the plane.

considering that there was responsibilities waiting for me here too.
say goodbye to the bum life.

the flight from LAX to taiwan was so freakin' long. considering the seats.
damned hard seats.
and then having a major headache because i was not able to get proper sleep.

from taiwan to NAIA...it wasn't long enough. haha.
it was beautiful-because it was my first time flying with daylight...and the clouds were ... just amazing!

oh and by the way-EVA has crappy food.

so here i am.
enrolled.
jet lagged.
and well,
so out of it.

let's see how this plays out.
keep your fingers crossed.
wish me goodluck.

tied with strings

i am just a puppet to you.

i want!

drool*

ANAIS NIN

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Sebastiao Salgado

if this is what reality is, i'd rather make believe

4 days into the jobless state.
haha,
told you i got this bum life down phat.
as long as someone supports my ass.

which no one would really do...
haysss.

come to think of it,
it's been a year since i graduated.
damn, does time fly.

i'm aging.
and developing backwards.

this past week, a couple told me i looked 14. a lady at the gas station looked at me and said hi like she was cooing to a baby. and my sister's co worker called me 'sweetie'. like i'm 5 a year old.

somehow,even if i do get offended by people telling me i look like i'm 14 years old,

i can see why.

i dress like i'm 14.

i act like i'm a teenager.

and, my bum life is being supported by my parents.

HA~

it's not really by choice.

no, scratch that,

yes, it is by choice.

i escape into my own personal neverland. i choose not to grow up, because, it's a jumble of everything scary and unfamiliar.

and at the same time, all the grown ups do- i'm not really into.

i turn my brain off whenever i'm forced to act my age.

my own personal security blanket.

blaming everyone and everything.

and now, in a few weeks, i'll be running away from all responsibilites. getting on a plane to pretend that i'm doing the right thing.

somehow. i do wish that i end up doing what's right.

because i can't escape and run away forever.

even peter pan had to grow up.

and hook's ticking crocodile is after me too.

the reasons

i always was afraid to be with you.

even though i really want to...

but when it gets too close to us being in a relationship,

i pull back.



because, i know it would never work.

never. never.

because i know, that whatever i love in you.
is there because my imagination put it there...

you are real and made believe.

i want to see you, because i know that it will jolt some sense into me.

that you are not who you are in my mind.
that you would only play around,

and honestly-
you will never make the cut. :D

life is real

all you gotta do is take a step with your right foot after each step done with your left.

he'd wish it was someone else.

1, 2, 3, 4 - Plain White Ts

an excerpt:

Somehow, there would always be this attachment to you. I would always feel the same things, whatever you do, whoever you are. You are the right kind of wrong for me, and maybe, that's part of your charm. There has been numerous times that I have lost you, but after a while, our lives seem to find each other, like it is intertwined in some weird way. I know that this love for you would never go away, no, not until we finally BE together, and that proximity would end all longing, and ruin the friendship, the memories. I love you, I would always will.

the way i see it # 76

i have been having starbucks coffee a whole lot ever since 2009 came
around.
maybe because my boss had a sudden addiction to it or it's just that the
weather is geting colder.
but when i went out to have some during friday the 13th; it was my first
time to notice the 'the way i see it' stuff on the back of the cup.

somehow #76 by Anne Morriss hit me as a valentine's day entry.

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating-in work, in play, in
love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the
fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.
To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

the liberating feeling of being able to really show yourself to someone that you know for sure would never reject you is the reason why everyone looks for "the one". in the process though, we often forget that first and foremost, God has already given us that- our family. in the course of wanting to be able to live in certain standards that our community upholds, driving us to want and acquire, and then want more, makes us forget and ignore the important things in life, just not be able to see our family as people that we could share everything with.

hope y'all had a happy heart's day.

hey, i'm actually an expert at something

i've got this bum life down phat.

all that's holding me back-is me.

soooo...
it's february 11. neat. i've been @ my sister's place sitting around, cleaning, organizing, watching lotsa movies, taking care of 3 dogs, and stuffing myself with microwavable food for (tantananuuunnn) 8 days. whoosh. didn't feel the days passing. ugh. the story of my life.

time passing without anything happening to me-except for stupid things of course.
yesterday, i had to go out and buy me some groceries, because i was running low on everything that i could pop unto the microwave. sooo, since i literally cannot drive, even if i have 2 cars sitting outside, and 2 car keys within my reach...i had to walk-to and from. and in the process of making my arms hurt and cutting off blood supply to my extremities-i left the house keys in the doorknob... OUTSIDE. the whole night. yikes. i had the management change the door knob. since stupid me did something stupid.

anyway, the point of the entry is.
my sister is a bitch.
a bitch that gets everything she wants and experiences a whole lot of fun in life, because-she can.
i saw her pictures from over the years. when she was my age, she was living on her own, and experiencing life.
me, i sit around cooped up in a house, because i can stand it. even though i can go out and talk to the neighbors. even if i can find a way to get to the mall. even if i can go out and walk to possible employment. i don't because,
i shy away from life.

soo, with these realizations...and the desperate need of money so that one can live in this world, i would wake up early tomorrow and walk to places where there could be job possibilities.

and i would also make the neighbors some valentine's gifts-bec. theyve been so nice to me... moving my sister's cars when i can't.

loneliness, is that what you call it?

i've never been alone in a house or dorm for a full 24 hrs before.
now it's been 3 days that i've been cooped up in my sisters studio while shes out frolicking in the sun. i hope that she gets relaxed and rested. to make this stay of mine worth while. im working my ass off here, without pay. ugh.


and the rain is NOT helping.

a repost of feelings

Ever had the feeling that you are disconnected from everything? It sucks. It doesn’t feel good.
I feel so disconnected from my bestfriends and friends. It feels awful. I see them and they seem so happy and content. I wonder if they feel disconnected from me. You try to reach out but you can’t reach them. I miss them but I wonder if the(y) miss me too.
I feel lonely. Someone hug me.

i saw this at LOLWUT?
she just reposted it and i don't really know who she had reposted it from.

but, whoever you are...

same here.
same here.

i always told you

f'n NEVER lie to me.
f'n NEVER get together with her.
f'n NEVER disregard me.
f'n BE someone I would want to have in my life.

you just showed me what your priorities are.

i told you to NEVER make me mad.
you know the consequences.

the sky was smiling

i tried to capture the night's smile.

they are chasing after me.

it's like one nightmare after another.

somehow, i know you're lonely

she texted;
not to ask how we are doing.
(because, remember, the world revolves around her)

she texted;
because she saw some hollywood celebrities around the place she lived at.

she texted;
to tell us how much she loves the community;
because it gives you celebrity sightings,
celebrities doing mundane things.

she texted.
i'm surprised she even remembered to text...US.

is it because she wants me to envy her?
if you we're a part of TMZ, and earned money from seeing celebrities-maybe.
is it because we're family?
hmmm....
or is it because, you're lonely?

silent tirade

with my sister, it's always never a conversation. because if you answer back, or try to make her see reason, or even just trying to make her hear your voice...it's impossible. she'll just tune you out, bitch about what you said, and get her way or twist whatever you say to something that'll piss her off. so i just don't say anything. i just let the all mighty diva rant on and on.

it just drives me crazy though, because i DO have something to say. i WANT her to see that in this life, it's never just about her and how she's having a hard time. and that in a relationship, ANY kind of relationship, there has to be a compromise. that it's not just TAKING, it's a give and take process.


maybe, it's true that she's not obligated to help her family.
and it's true that i will never be able to fly out here without her financially helping with the air fare, would never have found this caregiver job without her feeding us for the first 3 weeks, without her landline...
but the problem is,
she just wants us with her in her teeny tiny studio apartment, so that we could clean it for her and so that we could take care of her dogs. because she's busy. with her work. she took in three dogs to take care of when she can't even take care of herself anymore.
she doesn't realize that we were in that accident because we were trying SO hard to find a job a week after arriving because she's so suffocating. she always says how she's the one feeding us and how hard she's working for us that we were living off of her savings..yada yada yada.
we've been only with her for a WEEK! my mom put out the money for the groceries! we go where she wants to go, she rubs it in our faces that she takes us out, we do what she wants to do, it's hard to breathe when you're treated like a puppet without a brain.
THEN the accident. she wanted to kick us out because to HER, we intentionally went out that day to wreck her car. yeah, right.

my mom and i has been caregivers for almost 6 months now. we don't get enough sleep. we are constantly badgered by the golden girls, if we do get our day off with my sister, she just wants us to clean her house and take of her dogs. we have NO privacy and NO time alone. we're cooped up in a house 24/7 for a few measly dollars. and she f'ng calls here at night just to tell ME that she doesn't understand why we even came here at ALL when we can't help HER. help HER clean HER house. help HER pay HER bills, help HER take care of HER dogs. it's not our life we should think about, we should think about HER life, HER problems. HER, SHE, because in her life it's just " ME, MYSELF and fucking I".

her responsibilities are too much for her.
hell, welcome to life. that's everybody's story!

she also bought a new car.
WHILE we were here, cooped up as live in caregivers.
she said it was MY car, so I pay the bills.
i don't KNOW how to drive.

she said we should find live out caregiving jobs.
oh yeah, so we could be caregivers in the morning and be your slave at night. right.
gag me.

i'm tired.

Hipolito Insights

Et de ratage en ratage, on s'habitue à ne jamais dépasser le stade du brouillon.
La vie n'est que l'interminable répétition d'une représentation qui n'aura
jamais lieu.

Failure teaches us that life is but a draft, an endless rehearsal of a show that
will never play.

~Hipolito of Amelie

sticks and stones may break my bones...

temper.
i have very bad temper.
i have very short patience.
some have said that i should go into anger management...they said it as a joke, but then again, jokes are half meant.

a lot of things can get me riled up.
but what really gets me going, are words.

i have a thing with words.
double meaning phrases.
innuendoes.
hidden meanings.
i often read between the lines ~ sometimes, even when there's nothing there to read.
somehow, i got used to the idea that people don't often say what they mean.

i am easily insulted.
insult me or my family ~ and you're toast. if it's a shouting match you want, or you just want to trade insults... just get me going, i rarely back down.


but, recent experiences has pointed something out to me.
i loose. even if i win whatever argument comes my way.
i loose.

because i'm just stressing myself.
i hold grudges.
and i loose friends.
i loose.

if you had a choice, would you choose?

it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.
and it has nothing to do with how my day went, or how this post is going to turn out.

*_*

well, anyway...
it's a very tiring day. more than usual.
the golden girls has been more difficult lately. especially pilay(Mrs M. S.).
ever since her doctor took her off 2 of her previous medications, she has been more sarcastic, demanding and well, violent. her sarcasm and wild eyes does not help the fact that we chose not to have any day off and that we're burned out from staying to work here longer than we bargained for.
it's a mystery really, what happened to my moms' and my wages. because, it seems like we haven't any money saved up at all. there is my happy go lucky father and brothers that seem to ask for a lot of it back home, considering that they have my father's pention all to themselves because it's minus 2 in the household that the money used to support, oh wait, it's probably because my father does not know how to budget and he's gambling it off anyway, and maybe keep a girl or two to play with, let's also add his leech of a clan always at his side asking him for money because my mom is here.(selfish thoughts, but then those people are selfish too.) oh, oh, and there is that i sometimes shop too much, so that i could have that temporary stress free high of actually buying something.
so, hah.
it all still boils down that out of the 5 months i worked here, i have like 2 months' worth of wages saved up.

i was wondering earlier,
if i even should go back home,
because, speaking for my mom and myself,
wherever we go, it's still like hell, just in different levels.
it's different for her, it's different for me, but really...the basic factors of the places we can go make up those hell for us.
see, if she goes back to P.I., she'll be the caretaker of my father yet again; unwanted and unappreciated. and if I go back, there's the no freedom from the parents and minimal ways of being able to support myself decently if i decide to move out.
and if we stay at my sisters', well, she's difficult to live with-almost impossible. that's THAT.
and if we continue to work as caregivers=what with all our pride, that we seem to have met a fair amount of wackos these past 5 months, and well, caregiving, it really IS a stressing job. seriously.
you'll need serious counseling if you do these for years and years without a break. because it WILL take years before we'll be able so set up ourselves stable so that we could quit. we have to save up for a car, a monthly for the car, a monthly for an apartment, the downpayment, food, utility bills, not to mention insurance for health, the car, etc...it'll take ALOT of money to be able to set yourself free from caregiving so you could support yourself for a few months while looking for another job.
these, THESE, are our choices.
unless i get a go at the NPTE and pass, and THEN get a decent job. but STILL, there's the question of a car to drive, insurance, living with the 'impossible to live with' sister. ugh.

i know that my employers(they live with the golden girls and us at the care home)sometimes wonder why i'm always watching t.v., all these movies and series...i guess, it's pretty much the same reason why my mom can get so absorbed with celebrity news...it's easier to escape into their lives than think about ours.

i'm drying my hands...OHHH YEAH!

Remember when you graduate from elementary or secondary school? They always ask you what you want to be when you grow up so that they can place it under your picture in the yearbook, almost everyone in my batch when I graduated wanted to be a doctor. Yeah, right.
Haha, I did too. And thinking back, what I really wanted to be was, Sailormoon. Lolz.

So, now, doing the type of work I'm doing with a Bachelor's degree...it kind of pulls the self esteem down, especially when people crack jokes about your work and the people you're taking care of are ungrateful ingrates.

But really, I don't think I ever cared for physical therapy. not while i was scraping through passing my academics and well, pulling off my internship with pure day to day patience...knowing that somehow, it'll be all over.

Now, all I have is a diploma. Packed away in my mothers' suitcase, in case I get around to really studying for the board exams and paying for the credential review.

But recently, I've been thinking about my career options, looking at how the economy is all f'd up right now, and peering through my future, i see that there are options and there are goals. It's just that i need the means to start, or shall I say, the proper boost to start down life.

I have the reasons, and sure hella have all the 'inspiration'...to push me down the road to physical therapy unkown. It's just that, THOSE would not be for me.
I'll be glad to have my start-up in life, and also the means to really help my family already.
But the ultimate question is; would it be something i will be happy doing for the rest of my life?
It pains me not being able to be what my family needs now, but then somewhere down the road, I just know, it'll pain me more not being able to do something for myself too.
And in the process, I'll be bitter and cynical, and would be blaming everyone around me for not being happy.

So, hopefully.. I'll get to save up enough for me to be able to study again or set up my business.
Here's some that I envision myself doing in my mid thirties:
~Being a pre-school teacher( I still want to take up SPED).
~Owning property in the Philippines that I can rent out.
~Owning that Coffee Shop/bookstore/Filipino Store my mom, sister and I talked about.
~Having a small boutique in the Philippines where I can sell shoes, clothes and other thingamajigs I can come up with.
~And my ultimate want: Being a wife and a mother.

I have a lot of wants, and i guess in life, that's the wrong reason to be driven...but then, isn't this why we're all breathing, and getting up every morning?

bright lights

i was at the dressing room, trying on 3 items.
i was NOT supposed to buy anything, i AM in the process of saving money.
but, being the shop-a-holic i am, all is at a lost, because the items look GOOD on me.

somehow, an idea came to me,
1 of the items did not have the alarm tags, clothes usually have.
i can just TAKE it.
it was on 1 of my other shopping bags, all i had to do was walk out, pay for the other items, and it was MINE!

but then, the shirt got to me.
and i never took the damned thing.

it said in big neon green color:
MY FUTURE IS SO BRIGHT

vintage clothing sites

Vintage, the new rage.

Clothing
Billie Goat Vintage: http://stores.ebay.com/Billie-Goat-Vintage
Lullie Vinatage Clothing: http://www.lullieclothing.com/ ( a fave for me )
Mama Stone Vintage: http://www.mamastonevintage.com/

Accesories
Doyle and Doyle: http://www.doyledoyle.com/
Hi+Lo Modern: http://www.hiandlomodern.com/

sony vaio=freedom

we just bought a sony vaio laptop yesterday.
in exchange for no day-offs this month.
err.
i think i'm going to get MORE crazy.

Mrs. Darcy

I have just finished watching Pride and Prejudice(2005), and another film has hit the romantic in me. There are numerous dreams and occupations for me to aspire to be in the future, but even though i am not the typical 'betty home maker', what i really long to have is a love story so profound and well, romantic, to have my heart flutter whenever i will look back on it. but of course, that would never happen. not now, in our times, not ever. especially not to me. i guess this is the reason why there are fiction writers. from the great love of Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy to the fantasy love of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen. these love stories is what we want, that's why they are so popular, but these love fairytale would never be ours.

35/36

studied:
a month of trying to read the whole handbook.
one night of practicing with: 3 failed exams
1 perfect exam
the result: 35/36.


6 mistakes allowed.
congratulate me :)

leanimal:my wedding dress

Leanne Marshall from Project Runway has given the world this wedding dress, and I want it!

same day, different year

well, i guess, that's up to me huh?

So i decided that there would be no new year's resolutions to break this year. But there would be GOALS. Goals to achieve. Because 2009 has been decided to be great for me.