on the happiest place on earth

ever since i got this caregiver job, i have felt sorry for myself numerous of times, cried numerous times and wanted to give -up, since day one.

every weekend, we tried amusing ourselves, to no success. you get out of the care home, go to a place where you take care of dogs, and get only half a day of frolicking with someone who comandeers your life like it was her own. talk about wanting to gag.

we went to disneyland this sunday. it was chock full of people and long ass lines, but atleast i had the thrill of going on long, fast roller coasters with some not showing you where the hell you're headed to, and one that showed you how fast and you can hit the ground, go back up, then go down again.

just like life, huh?

anyway,
the woman that we crashed our car into earlier last month has an attorney and has called us. telling us that they will drop the charges and shit if we pay them a certain amount of money. they had their car totaled and to my opinion the amount they want from us is double of what the darned ford was actually worth. but of course, i know nothing and the person who knows everything did not get on her toes and did everything fast and wisely. so, now, everyone is crying their eyes out. we don;t have money, and i've been on my job for 3 weeks now, and i'm still way too deep in debt.

this is all so stupidly hard for me.

every single one of us just wants to get as far away from each other.

oh, if only disneyland was really the place where dreams come true.

heck no

in the strangest turn of events, what i am today is a very far cry from the life that i have imagined for myself out here in the beautiful state of California. during the flight going out here, i was a bundle of mixed emotions. sadness was dominant, but there was a budding hope and a streak of excitement. i get to redo my life, and re-invent me. you don't get a lot of that in your lifetime. when we got to the studio/apartment, i put aside my sadness, put up a brave facade, all smiles, i said to myself that i came out here to experience the real life, be an adult and all that crappy stuff...get a job and be miserable. so for the first week, i went out and applied for all the outlets i could get to, with my mom driving the car, because i still don't know how to drive and frankly, i don't really care for it.

but then, the ACCIDENT happened.
and everything went downhill from there.

for the first time, i saw my mom breakdown. i was afraid that she'll go crazy. yes, i did have psych subjects in college. but why the hell did they NOT present cases like these? i was so scared but had to be brave. i was so weak, but had to be strong. i wanted to cry and holler " Why Life?? Why???!!! " but had to keep quiet and comfort someone else. i wanted to run, but i had no where to go and no means of getting out.

we just had to get out of that studio/apartment.
we have no money.
we have no car.
we have no other relatives.
and now, we are in debt. beacause we did not own the car we wrecked, and we hit another car too. so we have to pay for what the insurance of the owner of the car has payed for that other car.(senseless, sense-full?)

so we found a job that requires no traveling, but you work 15-24 hours, and you are underpaid(in 8 hour job terms).

mom and i are now live-in caregivers.
unglamorous, unglorified, unrecognized and the pay is under-the-table.

life, as it is for this 23 year old.
sheesh.
get me outta here.

get me outta here

it's like whenever i get to think about gaining freedom from EVERYONE,
life makes me fuck up and gets me down.
life binds me into a situation where it makes me, not be free.

just let me get mad.

it was only today that the internet was set up.

i think the kit arrived a week ago. i don't really know, because for me, it feels like it's been months... so, i've been writing stuff on a pad paper for like two weeks, i haven't tuped it in yet.

oh but i am so irritated with HER. and so frustrated with myself.
HER is a very close relative and i am living with HER right now, making HER the bread winner and all...while i'm still looking for work.

HER is driving me crazy, with her controlling character and HER i'm your highness attitude.

she got me a cellphone, and she's paying for the bill, FOR NOW.
she said it was MINE.

but darned HER heard my friggin' cell ringing the other night(it was a friend calling, and i did not answer his call because it was really late at night), the call passed, but she just HAD to call him back to tell him not to call HER 23 year old realtive so late at night anymore and that it was not my phone because she's paying for it..
i let it pass, because technically, it's hers and i have a very long patience, but the problem is,
she's doing that to show me that she is the higher power of us two, that she can embarass my friends because she can.

last night, the significant other called me, for the very first time,
it was only 10pm and she friggin' told me to put the effin' phone down.
i snapped. long patience gone. with the series of 'i'm your highness' attitude for the past two weeks, has finally got to me.

i'm not really making sense. maybe when i get done with typing my 2 week sojourn to writing in paper into here, you'd understand.

i just want to run away.
very far away.

surrealism

18 days.


i've been here 18 days. and i feel like i have been here for years.





when i arrived, i was very eager to share how the flight was, i was so darned envious of this one guy across the aisle during the flight from guam to hawaii...he was able to talk to his girlfriend and was entertaining himself with his PSP, he was also using his laptop...





ugh.


shallow wants.





i feel like i took a big leap from the child who NEVER wants to grow up,


to this very old and heartsick person who just wants to run away from everything childish or childlike or from anyone that tells me what to do...


and be able to stand up on her own.



i was excited to start.

and then all of a sudden, excitement was a thing of the past,
depression looms,
and reality takes a hold of me.

underwater

i'm leaving tomorrow night.
by this time tomorrow, we'll surely be at the airport, sitting around, waiting to board the plane.

ugh.

i feel awful.
i feel nervous.
i'm excited.
and i have a headache that makes me want to puke my innards out.

it reminds me of that feeling i had back in 2nd year college,
and i was about to take my finals exam in swimming class.
we were expected to cross the olympic size pool in any swimming style we learned throughout the semester. you dive into the pool and do the butterfly/back/breast/freestyle stroke; it doesn't matter how long it takes you, you just have to get across.

i attended every class, never skipped one.
i can kick like hell in water, but my uppers has no strength.
and out of all that was taught, i can only do 2.
the back stroke and freestyle...and i manage to drown myself too most of the time because i never really learned how to breathe.

drunk with dirty pool water, and many many many stops later,
i was there, on the other side of the pool, done with the finals.
i made it.

back then,
i knew what my purpose was.
i knew the things i needed to do to get there.
the only thing i didn't know was, if i can really do it. carry it out.

right now.
i know nothing.
all i have is my resolve of taking each day one at a time.

and it makes me sick.

here goes one of the lost boys,
with the task to swim across life into adulthood.

wish me luck.

beep beep

i have this love-hate relationship with Philippine public transportation.
who wouldn't love being able to get anywhere at anytime you want without having to own your own car or better yet, without knowing how to drive, right?

oh but i hateHateHATE everything else!!!

on drivers:

i hate how some drivers get so dem reckless.

i hate how some drivers make the whole stretch of the road as a 'terminal'; they friggin stop at EVERY person they see standing at the side of the road. EVERY ONE! the motion that you do to make them stop for you? it doesn't really matter anymore. because even if you don't do that, almost all the PUV that will go by you WOULD stop.

i hate how some drivers go oh so slowly, so that they can spot the people standing at the side of the road and stop at every one of them.

i hate how some drivers get bills changed in the MIDDLE of the road.

ARGH.

on the other side, i do know why they are like circling vultures out on the road.
there are simply too many of them and each and every one needs to make a living.

so if you're like me who hates all these in a driver, get your ass out an hour earlier that the expected time of travel.

on roads:

bumpity-bumpity-BUMP!!! cracks and pot holes. and on some subdivisions~ a whole lot of humps.

one word~traffic.

on traffic officers:

i hate the "one way" scheme by the way. like WTF? you're just creating traffic on 1 side then let the other side flow freely then vice versa. if you just let it be, then we'd all be getting a move on!

oh you darn vulture around for people to get money from. grow up and do your job!


~yey!
ranted.

license to kill

my goal this week was to find a potential job on line.
new graduate that i am, my line of industry requires a license to practice. without a license you amount to nothing. rar!
so i am applying for jobs outside the scope of my grad course.

developments

err.
it's not my first time to leave the country, thinking that i would never be back to live here anymore/be back after a VERY long time..
it's the second. and i can't remember how i packed everything when i was to leave teh Philippines for a little dot of an island in the pacific.
so anyway.
i'm having a hard time now. because, i have all these stuff i want to bring with me with thoughts of "i'm only allowed 2 50lbs luggages and 1 30lbs carry-on. & my sister's place is like so small, if i bring anything more, there won't be any floor to walk on."

well, i guess i have to make do.

guys, the following pictures are to show my room before and after the packing.
in my cleaning my little room, 2 realizations came to me...
i am one hell of a pack rat and a lousy room keeper.LOL.

spot the difference:

thy little despididas

i'm leaving this weekend.

so i decided that i should go see all the people that i considered my 'friends'.
today, i was with some of my elementary friends.
yep, elementary.

it was a simple get together at a friend's house, i simply brought a lot of snacks.^^
we talked a bit, and did what everyone i know just seems to like to do in gatherings like this~videoke.

i simply don't know WHY almost everyone i know worships magic sing. i myself like singing to tunes once in a while, but do magic sing for hours? ugh. but that's not the point of this entry.

the point of this entry is,
i haven't seen this people for years. it's my fault really, i got too busy doing other stuff and just never had time or never used my resources to atleast let them know that i DO think of them from time to time, and that i DO miss them.
i don't know their lives anymore.

but a few days ago, i called and texted them if we can go see each other.
it's mean that i just went to see them and want to because i'm leaving...but to make a long story short, a quarrel came up years ago, and it just turned me off. so...i just never communicated again. now, i regret doing that.

i know they were mad because it seemed that i forgot about them.
but when i asked them to come see each other, they had no second thoughts in doing so.
when i was with them, i realized how much i MISSED these people.
and now that i'm off to another continent.....
it's harder to get closer to them now.

lost time.